Which dreams are worth dropping?
With so much talk about living and reviving dreams, it is also important to have a discussion about the death of dreams. Why do dreams die? Could the death of dreams ever be beneficial?
Not all dreams will live. The death of dreams is not easy to accept and often we keep trying to hold on to them long after the dreams are relevant or useful. One of humanities greatest strengths is to dream. The best dreams are become real experiences and fun endeavors. Many dreams will not make it to this point. Unfortunately, because of attachments to a dream’s ideal, we may hold on way too long to a dream – burdening our heart and soul, absorbing our time, energy and mental space, drawing precious hope into hopeless endeavors, procrastinating on other important dreams, etc.
We were intended to have many potential paths yet actually walk only a few. Our life limitations require choice. When we chose one action we chose not to do another, and therefore conscious and clear choices serve our dreams best.
The Analogy of the Mango Tree
For the Mango tree, it is normal for up to 80 percent of immature mango fruit to drop early in the season. Trees typically shed excess fruit when the fruit are marble size, since more fruit is set than the plant can bear to maturity. These immature fruits must be shed from the tree, as the tree only has energy to invest in the most optimal fruits for full maturity.
If all the immature fruits remain on the tree, absorbing nutrients and burdening the branches, branches would fall and little to no fruit would have the opportunity to come to fruition. A mango tree must release the majority of its immature and undeveloped fruit to have any fruit come to fulfillment.
Each blossom on a tree has an incredible amount of potential but not all of the blossoms will fruit and not all of the fruit will come to maturity – and THAT IS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. One could compare it to a creative process. A creative process always starts with brainstorming – which is best experienced by welcoming and celebrating each idea and possibility, no matter how crazy they may sound. Then, as each idea considered, the most optimal and viable ideas are chosen to cultivate to maturity. There is further editing and refining so eventually there are more ideas discarded than put into action. The process of discarding and editing gives the healthiest ideas the energy, focus, and energy to be fully realized.
Unfortunately, many times we treat every idea and possibility as a viable fruit. When we hold on to all of them, our arms get heavy and our hope fades. We are spread too thin. We cannot take focused and consistent action to bring the most optimal and healthy fruits to full maturity in their seasons. Our days pass without significant traction on our most important dreams, yet we are busy, tired, and have our hands full.
My Dream Dropping
I am a dreamer and always will be, yet some of those dreams were more like fantasies – day dreams of sorts. I used my dreams to escape my reality, not to creatively engage with it. Some day, some where, some how things would be different. I would be rich, famous, influential, loved, and organized – someday. Unfortunately, the contrast of my current situation to this fantasy only led to shame and disappointment. This is hard on the heart. I was unmotivated, unfocused, and took little action because none of my actions seemed to match the grandiosity of my vision. Instead, I dreamed, I idealized, and I waited.
As I began to compassionately care about my inner world, I realized that this dynamic was not serving my heart and soul. My imagined grandiosity only compounded my current self-shame. Plus, I was getting older with little to no traction on most of my dreams. I felt like a failure but still hoped that someday, somehow my dreams would come true.
Soon, it became time to put many of those dreams to rest. To have a dream funeral of sorts. To find out which dreams were not optimal or viable for me, I had to learn about the requirements of each dream and many times experience the beginning attempts of the dream. I had to take action, just enough to know how I felt, how committed I would be, and how passionate I was about the work it would take.
For instance, I thought that being a stand up comedian would be great, until I tried it. This dream was going to take committed nights, travel, and years of refinement to develop a career in it. Sure, making a room full of people laugh was fun, but the price to make this my career was higher than I was willing to pay.
I also thought being a dancer or actress would be fun, but again, the skill development that it required was beyond my commitment level. It simply was not the priority it needed to be for realization. I will always dance and have recently found great joy participating in amateur improv, but once a month is a hobby not a dream fulfilled.
A Dream Realized
I did find that I was consistently invested and dedicated to the heart. I was fascinated, gave up my nights and weekends to cultivate practices for the healing of the heart and soul. I downsized and simplified my home and expenses to give more focus to the practice of healing the heart. I would wake up early and go to bed late in order to host sessions for healing and wholeness. In my relationship with this dream, there was a consistent commitment that was developing me, my expertise, my experience, and my effectiveness. I was deeply enthusiastic about building individuals as well as culture and community.
Even though, this was an immature fruit it was healthy and growing. This dream had enough of my attention that I was willing to let other fruit drop. I became focused, I did the uncomfortable tasks, I invested, I failed, I got back in the game, and I served. Dropping other fruit gave me the time, energy, and enthusiasm to commit to this one. It is often said that we can at most give 100% to 3 things in our life at a time. I wanted my heart and spiritual growth to have 100%, I was committed that my young family would have 100%, but then I fought to squeeze in everything else, until I let fruit drop.
The Painful Process of Dropping Dreams
I had to choose one dream to focus and dedicate my time and energy towards. Only then could I turn a dream from possibility to reality. I had to trust that committed action would get sweeter in time and carry forth seeds for the next season of my life. But this would mean it would require that other dreams and ideas die. It wasn’t easy. I cried, I denied, and I fought. I was angry that I didn’t start younger, have more money, or get a “big break.” Grief was an important part of my process because I realized how much it meant to me to live a life of fulfillment – in reality. The tears were important, I needed to feel the pain of years lost and money squandered on burdened branches and no fruit. That pain gave me the courage to allow many dreams die and at the same time, give the effort to bring some dreams to beautiful, messy, and matured reality.
When considering which dreams are best to dedicate your time and energy to consider:
- What does this dream require of my time, energy, resources, and lifestyle adjustments?
- Am I willing to consistently give that level of commitment to this dream?
- What actions am I currently doing to give me feedback on my commitment to this dream?
- Am I willing to be bad at it for years, to fail many times over, and enjoy the process enough to keep going?
- Does this fit with my season and values?
- What kind of traction am I getting in this endeavor?
- Would I enjoy this activity more as a hobby?
- What would be so bad if this dream fell to the ground and I focused on another one?
There are no right answers to these questions. We have to let go of our ideals and sense of nobility (that we never quit, that we hold on to every possibility, etc.) If we are too attached to what we have made these dreams mean to us, we will resist reality and letting go. I have met with 35 year olds who are still talking about the professional sports career they should have had – if only they had more opportunity, favor, or breaks. I have met with people who imagine the glory of a traveling career but have never actually given it a try, and could very possibly be miserable in it. In these instances, often there is something painful about their reality they are trying to escape. Feelings of inadequacies, disappointments of the past, and fear of failure can all keep someone in fantasy unfulfilled.
The limitations of our time, energy and money is not a negative or a failure. No one uproots a mango tree because it dropped some of its fruit. Dropping some of its fruit is not only natural, it is necessary. Our hope in dreams fulfilled becomes vibrant when we release many dreams, and truly commit to a few. Which ones? Well, the ones most dear to our hearts, the ones fueled by internal passion, the ones that light us and others up are great choices. If you are ready to navigate the desires and commitments of your heart, consider Art of the Heart sessions. Through the sessions, you develop more compassion and familiarity with your heart, you love yourself enough to take actions for the most viable and fulfilling dreams, and you work with the time, talents, grace, and energy you have been given to create from the heart. Instead of bemoaning the limitations of your life, you will find that they can powerfully serve your focus, fervor, and therefore fulfillment if you are brave enough to allow the process.
May you let some dreams die, so a few may truly live!
From my heart to yours,
