Emotional safety

If you are going to jump off an extremely high cliff, you would want a bungee cord. Most likely, you would want a bungee cord that worked. If the bungee cord was not guaranteed to work, would you jump? I hope not!

Emotional safety is like the bungee cord. The cord gives you the chance to experience something amazing with the confidence that you will be held, protected, and given the chance to do it again. Emotional safety gives us the chance to have some amazing experiences in life and in relationship. Therefore the challenge of emotional safety is worth understanding, cultivating, and testing.

Recognizing the value of safety

I used to see “safety-seekers” as weak, over protective, or just plain scared. I was “bold” (which could also be considered blind in my striving to share ). I was convinced that vulnerably sharing myself would be an antidote to loneliness, fear, and shame. I also believed that my vulnerability would necessitate others vulnerability. I assumed this would automatically generate the experiences in relationship for which I was longing. These beliefs were close enough to truth to be deceiving. These beliefs were also far enough from truth to keep me cycling in confusing pain.

I had overlooked that emotional safety was foundational to the experiences I sought. Barreling ahead without emotional safety, cost me years of increasing heartache, perpetual disappointment in people, and amplified but ignored anxiety.

Trusting Emotionally

I was mistrusting others because I trusted before I tested and I did not develop enough internal emotional safety to know what to expect.

Testing gives us the chance to trust at the appropriate level, at the appropriate time, and to allow our confidence to be grounded in reality. No use having an ungrounded unattached bungee cord. Ouch.

I don’t want to just be told that the bungee cord is safe. I want to know and genuinely trust that the bungee cord is safe. We must distinguish between someone who says. “you can tell me anything,” and someone who fairly consistently demonstrates the emotional safety characteristics I list below. Although we will not find perfection, we can find people who practice. The more someone practices the characteristics of emotional safety, the more that person can provide an experience of genuine reflection and sincere connection.

Taking small jumps or watching how someone handles the intimacy of someone else can assist us in developing appropriate trust. Sometimes people are safe at certain times and in various situations while not being safe in others. Also, just because someone may not demonstrate emotional safety doesn’t mean they are not safe at all. Some ropes can hang a plant, some you can risk your life on.

Developing your own ability to be emotionally safe is a critical component of successful and sustainable benefits. Truly rewarding emotional intimacy and experiences require our own ability to patiently cultivate genuine interest in ourselves, presence, patience, humility, individuation, respect, and advocacy. The more we can do that for ourselves, the more patient we can be in testing, trying, and enjoying emotional intimacy with others.

Emotional safety is not only something we are looking for in others, it is also something we must seek to develop within ourselves. If we are unwilling to develop compassionate understanding for all that we are, then we will not truly know or have access to love all that we are. The process of cultivating a safe space within for one’s own emotions is truly a work of the heart. Below I list characteristics of emotional safety, so that you know the type of material and attachments that make for a good “bungee cord.”

Characteristics of emotional safety:

1. Pursuant – This person makes movement towards you. He/she authentically wants to be with you. His or her agenda is clear and includes a sincere desire to understand and validate you.
2. Presence – The person is attentive and can feel with you. He is she is fully present and aware of their own way of being as well as yours. He or she carries genuine empathy and compassion. The conversation is not just words, nor is the conversation easily diverted by talking about some other thing, some other time, or some other person. There is a grounding in the here and now.
3. Patience – The person is not rushed. There is a clear understanding of time availability or lack thereof. He or she allows for you to flow through a variety of emotions, opinions and intensities without judgment, fixing, or labeling. He or she prioritizes the experience of your heart and soul. He or she is not preoccupied with how he/she can resolve or help.
4. Personal humility – He or she has sat with his/her own inadequacies and less attractive personal qualities with compassion. He or she is not trying to escape his or her humanity with godlike attributes or exceptions. He or she also has felt and accepted the variety of human emotions and limitations.
5. Separate – He or she is not so identified with you that he/she needs your approval, happiness, or success to feel ok. He or she is willing to validate your perspective while holding and respecting their own. He/she allows for differences. He or she is authentic and honest about his or her own “wins” and is sincerely invested in both of you winning. You can feel that he/she is genuinely for you while being able to be for him/herself at the same time.
6. Respect for you – He or she is confident in your ability to resource yourself and access personal wisdom. He or she lets you process. He or she will prioritize hearing and reflecting you. There will be a willingness to let you learn things for yourself and grow into personal self mastery versus him/her pressing to master you.

I understand that these emotional requests are quite significant but so is a working bungee cord! Although, the list can look overwhelming, break it down and take steps. I have often taken seasons of my life to focus on developing one of the aspects of emotional safety. Each time you practice is powerful. The more safe you become the more exploration and connection that is possible.

Emotional Safety is Not

By the way, emotional safety is not fixing, labeling, or diagnosing you, being distracted, hearing without listening, collapsing accountability, complete agreement, smothering you so you no longer feel feelings, being nice, or pressuring you to open up before you are ready. No, those are not emotional intimacy.

The Benefits of Emotional Safety

In emotional safety, we can see things about ourselves that we have denied, disowned, or rejected. We can also see our beauty and our power more clearly. We soften into deeper self acceptance, we enjoy ourselves as human beings, and we explore possibilities for our lives. In emotional safety, we are reassured that we are not alone, that our lives matter, and that we are seen, felt, heard, and understood. We become whole.

The adventure of truly knowing yourself is greatly enriched in the reflection of another. The adventure of exploring the emotional experiences of life is greatly enriched in the relationship with another. Give yourself the chance to experience some of the best life has to offer by developing and requiring the emotional safety that allows tremendous emotional experiences and intimacy.