If there is anything people feel awkward discussing its money.
Tending to your heart and soul is essential because your heart has been trained on how to relate to money/resources. Also, how you FEEL about money will affect how much of it you create and enjoy.
This post is in the middle of a series Relationship Crisis Care: How Tending To Your Heart and Soul Right Now is the Lifeline for You, Your Business, and Your Loved Ones. Check out last week’s Escaping the Shame Triangle. It will help you understand the roles and underlying shame and powerlessness we discuss in economic codependencies.
One of the most common feelings around money is shame.
THE SHAME OF THE ECONOMIC CODEPENDENCY TRIANGLE
Because there is so much shame around money, there is a triangle that forms in relationships in a hope to get needs met.
The Role of the Villian
This is the person who “rips off someone else” to get what he/she believes he or she needs. He/she resorts to taking, lying, manipulating others because he/she feels powerless to access what he/she genuinely wants in authentic relationships. He or she may not feel valuable, worthy, or wanted by others.
A villian’s relationship with resources is founded upon his/her belief that resources are difficult to attain. A villian perceives that all people horde and withhold and that no one wants to share. Therefore underlying emotional needs that are unmet are capable, competent, valuable. There is a yearning to experience himself/herself as powerful, strong, and safe.
A villian resists cooperation and even negotiation because sees he/she sees that it would be a as a loss for him/her and a win for others.
The Role of the Victim
The Victim is a person who feels impeded by others. Victims wait on others to invite them into success. They feel oppressed, held back, taken advantage of by others. A victim also feels powerless to access what he/she genuinely wants. He/she seeks permission and hopes for support to make life what they want. He/she will be afraid of other’s judgments because cling to moral superiority in hopes that his/her emotional and financial needs would be met. A victim lacks faith in him/herself and therefore resists consistent action and shrinks to avoid being seen as a threat hoping to maintain relationships with “powerful” people
A victim’s relationship with resources is founded upon the assumption that resources are in the hands of someone else, limited, difficult to access and that he/she needs permission to access them. The emotional needs that underly his/her economic codependency include a need for acceptance, love, freedom, and caretaking. Therefore, a victim will ask someone else to provide rescues, justification for inaction, and leadership.
A victim resists negotiation because he/she perceives that they will lose as well as sacrifice their moral superiority in advocating for him/herself.
The Role of the Hero
The hero is the person who feels compelled to redistribute resources. He/she feels feels violated by and resentful of authorities and systems and needs to be fixing this for others, whether the fix is wanted or effective. The resentment towards those how have power or wealth solidifies resistance to having power or wealth for him/herself so he/she must constantly be giving it away.
A hero feels powerless to systems. He/she is often self conflicted and fears that he/she is bad and will be found out to be selfish.Therefore he/she hides personal desires in an attempt to been seen as good. He or she may also be overcompensating for feeling like a burden when he/she was younger
A hero’s relationship with resources is founded on his/her fears of the systems and authorities. He/she perceiving things as unfair and he/she takes on the cause of making all things right again. He or she is likely uneasy with and resistant to natural consequences. He or she wants to the manipulate supply and demand curve to avoid him/her or others being in emotional discomfort
The underlying unmet emotional of a hero include: acceptance, honor, value, assurance, validation of personal desires, and a sense of control of his/her own life without having to control everything.
A hero will resist negotiation because it is perceived as a win for villain and loss for him/her. A negotiation will also expose his/her own desires, make him/her feel vulnerable, and bring into question his/her selflessness.
The Roles Bind Each Other
Each role needs the others. Therefore, people will often be put in a role whether it is true or not.
Underneath each of these roles, there is a core strength that is valuable. This strength is activated when emotional needs are met. When all three of these strengths are integrated into one’s heart and soul, he/she has the potential to escape the shame triangle emotionally and economically. The hero becomes the connector of contribution in the marketplace, the villian becomes the challenger of complacency and advocates for innovation and higher value, and the victim becomes the curious creative that looks to ensure he/she is bringing meaning to the marketplace
If you identify your boss as the villian, you are then the ____________________.
If your friend is repeatedly the victim, you are likely expected to consistently be his/her _______________________.
If you require your child to clean their room or he/she won’t get desert, you will likely be seen by them as the __________________________.
Our Generation Is Caught in the Triangle
The current generation tends to lean into victimroles for a number of reasons. For instance, this generation wants meaning, sees resources in the hands of others not themselves, haven’t been given permission to create new ways of contribution, values relationships and yearns to be seen as good, etc.
- Gives us room to escape the emotional codependency and process the underlying emotions
- Allows us to work with reality, where we are not powerful, where we actually are powerful, and where we could be powerful
- Gives us access to our creativity
- Lets us accept systems that we cannot change and create contribution in new venues when possible
I want you to feel powerful, good, and faithfilled when it comes to your relationship with money – it will be a lifeline for you, your loved ones, and your business right now.
QUESTIONS:
- When I work for money I feel?
- Have you ever negotiated with a hero/villian/victim? Which one is the worst to negotiated with and why?
- Name a movie or show that villianized business? How did that make you feel?
- Which one of these (challenger of complacency, curious creative, connector for contribution in the marketplace) would be most valuable for you to integrate and why?
- How can money be useful? How can money add to eternal value? How do you use money?
- What is the difference between abusing people’s financial rights versus not absorbing others financial responsibilities?
- What do you believe are your financial responsibilities?
- Read Luke 16. Notice if you see the master, manager, or borrowers as a victim, villian, or hero? Consider that these characters may actually have all three strengths (challenger, connector, and creative) in their hearts and souls. How does that give clarity to the rewards the manager receives?