“What is a shame triangle?”
The shame triangle will help you understand why you people please, are easily wounded or intimidated by others, or find relationships short-lived. The shame triangle will reveal the effects of our emotional codependency. So are you ready to do some geometry?
THE TRIANGLE
A shame triangle is a relationship dynamic that consists of a hero, a victim, and a villain. Each one of these roles need the other two roles to maintain its dysfunction.
Who would be a victim without a selfish villain?
Who could be a hero without some powerless person in need of rescue?
Who could gain attention as a villain if there was no passionate hero seeking to restore his/her wrongs?
Have you ever met someone who no matter where he/she went he/she was mistreated, taken advantage of, and needed rescue? Or maybe someone who no matter what he/she is doing he/she is always overwhelmed and resentful by having to fix other’s people problems?
It is common for someone to play any one of these three different roles from time to time. Most common one people see themselves as is the hero. Most heroes do not realize that their role is being defined by shame.
SHAME
These roles are each held in place through shame. Shame is an intense social emotion that inhibits authenticity in relationship and prevents emotional needs, like love, empowerment, attention, and admiration from being met. Relationships are intended to be resources for these needs, and yes they are NEEDS. When one’s emotional needs are not met, he/she will get sucked into shame and a shame triangle.
Shame is not so interested in the role you play, as long as it has you in a role and not in your authenticity. This way, shame can continue to inhibit you being emotionally resourced and maintain its power.
Check out an earlier FB live where we discussed Mastering Shame through Acceptance.
POWERLESSNESS
A hero feels powerless to prove his goodness without a villian to compare himself to or a more obviously “powerless” victim to rescue.
A villain feels powerless to create for himself without demanding of the victim or contrasting himself to the goodie to shoe hero.
A victim feels powerless to justify inaction without a villain and powerless to gain traction without the rescue of a hero.
Shame and the powerlessness are the glue that holds the triangle together and keep people emotionally codependent upon each other.
If I need prove my goodness by how I relate to you, then I need your approval. If I need you to deem me worthy of rescue then I need you to validate my worth. If I need you to affirm my strength, then I need you weak enough to fear me.
When people feel powerless in relationship and they rely on the triangle to get their emotional needs met.
Look at need for admiration:
A villain embodies fear and independence to seek admiration.
A victim embodies martyrdom as a means to seek admiration.
A hero embodies leadership and other’s responsibilities as admiration.
Check out last week’s FB live on Entitlement, the Reaction to Powerlessness.
WHERE IT ALL BEGINS
Shame or powerlessness in the family of origin will often push children into roles. Children become accustom to getting needs met by denying their authenticity and playing a role.
Cultures can easily reinforce these roles because they serve the agenda of the culture.
BREAKING FREE
The issue with shame is even if you don’t see it, its likely there. So I encourage people to start with asking themselves: Where am I in a shame triangle? Is someone wanting to pull me into their shame triangle?, and What roles might be forming around me?
- Become conscious and intentional about your emotional needs. Notice if you feel shame about having these needs in the first place. For instance, admiration. Do I feel wrong about wanting admiration? Why? What beliefs do I hold about admiration?
- Become compassionately curious about these needs and begin to meet them internally. In the example of admiration, sit with the shame that pulls you into the triangle. If you play the hero, was your love and goodness be questioned when you didn’t respond the way another person wanted you to respond. If so, you will need to retrain yourself to affirm focusing on your goals, gaining self clarity, and benefiting others by allowing them to figure this out challenges for themselves. This gives you more room to embrace your goodness and love for yourself.
- Respect your choices. Choice is power. You want to build a relationship with yourself (and eventually others) that is founded in the freedom to choose. This gives rise for authenticity, enjoyment, and true rewards in relationship. You will see that the strengths that underlie each of these roles will be incorporated into who you are. This makes you more whole and relationships interdependent versus codependent. You then can interact and receive from others without roles, labels, and rigid expectations.
There is no other way out of a shame triangle than getting compassionate and clear with your own heart and soul. Each of these roles feel like they will protect you from shame but they entangle you more and never deliver on this promise.
WHOLEHEARTED COACHING
I created Wholehearted coaching years ago when I myself was successful yet unfulfilled, noticed patterns in my relationships that were keeping me stuck, and cycling in search of what felt like elusive self awareness. I had received and offered up a lot of prayer, been given loads of advice and self help education, talked things through over and over again, yet the breakthrough was not there for me.
I needed something that could get under the surface, powerfully align me with my authenticity as well as ground me in reality. Wholehearted is a combination of a number of tools and processes, but its more than that – it is a coaching relationship that advocates, cultivates, and celebrates you getting what you want out of life, removing that which is in the way and fanning the flames of your own heart.
If you are ready to get more rewards out of your relationships in life, love, or business, click here to get started.
QUESTION:
- What role do you often take on? Why might that be?
- Can you think of a culture, community, or group you were a part of that reinforced these roles? Why might that have been?
- Which emotional need seems most important to you right now?
- Why might moving our of the shame triangle make others uncomfortable?
- What do you see as the greatest benefit in founding relationships on the power to choose?