Mastering Shame through Acceptance

Mastering Shame Through Acceptance

Posted by Wholehearted, LLC on Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Relationship Crisis Care: How Tending To Your Heart and Soul Right NOW is your LIFELINE for You, Your Business, and Your Loved Ones.

Although people like the idea of never feeling shame again, recognizing when and how we are being shamed is important in understanding when shame has attempted to control us. Shame will use unreasonable and ever changing demands to maintain tyranny.

Shame wants control. It knows that if it can keep you feeling bad about yourself, it can have power.

Here are three common ways people wrestle with shame, but end up more manipulated by it:

Proving I can do this

This is a reaction to shame that drives people to prove their goodness, competency, courage, etc. The shame is still in the driver seat and the individual loses touch with his or her internal compass and desires.

Costs to relationships include: One doesn’t ask for help and builds resentment. He or she is not actually not in relationship with person but the shame. One is also likely to look down on others who are not as driven to prove things as he/she is.

Resisting action and relying on others

This is a reaction to shame that causes someone to disengage. We often pull back to avoid shame but then do not have the opportunity to develop autonomy. Without trying, failing, and trying again, one does not learn and mature the skills necessary to self resource and follow a personal path.

In an attempt to avoid shame, one also does not strengthen one’s resolve to create and contribute despite probable judgment, misunderstanding, and criticism. When self resourced, we can handle far more criticism and maintain greater traction on personal desires.

Relationship costs include: One often presents him or herself as incapable and begs others to lead, yet dislikes and judges other’s leadership. He or she often silently judges that he or she could do better and projects shame on those who are in action

Constant questioning

This is where one tries to figure shame out. One will analyze groups, authorities, situations, or circumstances to try to navigate the shame waters unscathed.

One tends to live in his/her head and again detaches from the internal compass of authenticity. Self expression gets prioritized and instead one focuses on maintaining ideals in an attempt to stay “safe” from shame.

Relationship costs include: A loss of trust in relationships because people will not know the truth of the individual. Others will often also feel him or her questioning and comparing them to ideals and reserve their authenticity, which further deteriorates trust.

ACCEPTANCE IS THE ESCAPE FROM SHAME BACK INTO REALITY AND FREEDOM

1. Accept that shame is a tyrant that will knock on your door, it will be used by others, and yourself. This acceptance allows you not to run from shame, to understand it is a part of relationship, and be intentional on how you will handle it.
   1. Acceptance looks like: In the midst of shaming myself to force ideals and to run from the discomfort others impose, I am willing to consider unconditionally accepting myself.
   2. Acceptance looks like: I accept that I want control over my heart and soul, I want to manipulate the signals instead of listen to them. This is likely because historically it has seemed safer to control myself through shame, although it may no longer be the case.
2. Instead of feeding the emotional wrestling with defensiveness, avoidance, or striving to prove or reach an ideal, you can simply say “OKAY.” Think of it like a bully on the play ground.
   1. For example if someone says, “you are a loser,” you drop all incentive for them to continue if you say, “okay, I lose sometimes, I win sometimes.”
   2. “You never get anything right,” can be responded to with “okay, I am okay with getting it wrong as long as I keep going and getting.”
   3. An accusation like, “You don’t love me,” can be de-incentivized by an “okay, there are times I don’t even love myself, so that happens in my relationships too, I get that.”
   4. You are not accepting the label or accusation, you are accepting yourself, your humanness, your process and therefore dropping the energetic charge of shame from the emotional exchange.
3. Accept that no ideal was safe and illusions of ideals were likely what you used in childhood when emotional safety wasn’t present. It is very common for a child to imagine that if he/she were just more smart, athletic, or likable, he/she would get the parent’s attention, affection, or care. Now it is time to realize you are responsible for the stewardship of your own heart and soul. This may mean accepting emotional gaps in childhood, current relationships, and personal patterns.

3 step process for emotions

1. Receive and respect
2. Reintegrate and regulated
3. Resilience and resourcefulness

BEING WITH SHAME gives you access to:

1. Freedom (safety, resourced) from external demands of ideals
2. Resilience to the control of others
3. Re-connection to your own heart and soul
4. Motivation toward desires instead of shame avoidance

QUESTIONS

1. What is shame’s most recent unreasonable demand on you?
2. When you feel shame do you try to prove someone wrong? Do you hold back and let others lead? Do you constantly question yourself to find the “right” way? How might any one of these entangle you further in shame?
3. How have your relationships been affected by shame?
4. How would acceptance change your relationships?
5. What reality are you having difficulty accepting in your life right now?
6. Are you resistant or resilient to shame? Why? How would you describe the difference?
7. What is something that instead of fighting you could just say, “OKAY.”