Relationship Crisis Care: How Tending To Your Heart and Soul Right NOW is your LIFELINE for You, Your Business, and Your Loved Ones.
Crisis often puts us in a position where we feel out of control. Feeling out of control will make most people unsafe and childlike, because when they were not in control of their relationships (childhood) they were not emotionally safe. The child is dependent upon the parent and under their control. Therefore to cope with the lack of security his/her a self protection mechanism of choice is often suspicion.
The coping mechanism of suspicion is there to keep us SAFE from those who we perceive have some level of control over our lives.
Right now, there are some things we have little control over and a yearning to feel safe under leadership makes sense. Unfortunately, suspicion is about as productive as worry, or a hamster on a wheel, – the illusion of progress when there is none. Here we are going to look at other options to actively create more trust and safety.
SUSPICION AND 3 ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES TO SAFETY
- VERIFICATION OVER TRUST – This requires a willingness to be clear, guarded, and somewhat demanding upfront. It will likely take patience and discomfort upfront to require verification, but will prevent feelings of betrayal, rejection, and disappointment later. The essence of this is, “I like your proposal and want to move forward on it, but I will need proof of your commitment (this must be more than words!).”
- PATTERNS OVER PROMISES. We can trust patterns but we have to risk with promises. Therefore, we must determine how much of this person’s communication is based upon their ingrained patterns and how much is idealized promises or potential. There may be various areas we can trust and various degrees but when its not already a pattern it is a risk. We can take risks in relationship but they are not to be confused with trust.
- SELF AWARENESS AND SELF OWNERSHIP. Many times we hand over significant portions of our lives to others with or without their consent. We lack self trust and hope to rely on others to come through for us. This can create large blind spots. If we idealize being a “trusting” person or were shamed into always “trusting” in our childhood/current culture then we hand over our discernment. We are then left with the internal extremes of: “I am sure this will all work out fine” and “I can’t trust one thing they say”. This causes a ping pong game of susipicion without any clarity or traction in building genuine safety.
3 step process for emotions
- Receive and respect
- Reintegrate and regulate
- Resilience and resourcefulness
BEING WITH SUSPICION gives you access to:
- identifying an securing areas of unsafety (past or present or future)
- fresh boundaries and clearer communication upfront
- strategy for risk management to progress in trust for important relationships
REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS:
How do you determine if someone is worthy of your trust?
When or how do you most often find yourself feeling suspicious?
Have you ever trusted without verification and got burned? How did it feel? Why might have you been willing to trust without verification?
What is one area where you prefer other people to “do it for you” and may be a blind spot?
EXERCISE: List 3 things you can trust (based on patterns) in your spouse, kids, employees, etc. Then list 3 things I cannot trust in each of them (based on patterns). Then list one area I want to risk more trust (based upon a promise). Is there an area where you were “trusting” when it was more hopeful thinking? Is there an area where you weren’t trusting and it was clouding your entire perception of him/her?