Do you find yourself regularly questioning your decisions?
or
Do you cling to an idea with a stubborn tenacity?
Both are signs of self doubt. They may seem different but they both stem from the same glitch: the coping mechanism of self-doubt. We doubt what is going on inside of us, so we look for certainty outside of ourselves. Maybe its this or that – oh, its got to be this! – yes, when I get this……….
How might this be a relationship issue?
In our early years, where all our relationship patterns are first formed, if we could not predict the patterns or reactions of those entrusted with our care, our uncertainty increases. A secure emotional attachment to this caregiver is difficult or near impossible to obtain.
If I show them I am sad, will I be comforted or shamed? If I show them I am excited, will I be celebrated or deemed immature? If I do well at school will I receive honor or be ignored?
We are just not sure. And therefore, developing a way to consistently get our emotional needs (including acceptance and self esteem) evades us. Instead of identifying that this caregiver is emotionally unstable, we cope by internalizing. We say things to ourselves that keep a false hope alive. Things like:
Maybe if I was better at sports, I would get celebrated.
Nah, maybe if I excelled at school, I would get celebrated.
Maybe if helped around the house more, I would get celebrated.
Actually, maybe if I was quiet I would be respected.
No that’s not working, maybe if I talked more intelligently or had wit, I would be respected.
We are just not sure.
Not being sure keeps us doubting ourselves but “hopeful” in the relationship.
The problem is these attempts were bound to fail. Therefore one would have to cling to perfection or a new shiny idea to keep the false hope alive. The false hope that if we changed ourselves or perfected ourselves we would be rewarded with emotional security is simply that – false.
A coping mechanism that lives on into adulthood
In our adult world, we often find people who keep us guessing on how to get our emotional needs met from them. Sometimes its there and sometimes its not – therefore we believe that if we were different we could get kindness consistently. We gravitate to self help and personal improvement because it keeps us believing that maybe there is a way of being that would secure the love and attention one is seeking.
You may even go onto new relationships but with the same pattern. You invite people to give you feedback, you read their signals, or you attach to an ideal outside of yourself.
The voice within has become so soft and invalidated that you rarely listen and instead find externals more assuring. This relationship pattern may be uncertain but it is familiar.
These adult relationships can feel like “no matter what I do, he or she is not happy.” Unfortunately, one can then assume this is normal and move on to fascinations or fixations about how the next home, car, or career move will be the answer to the emotional turmoil.
If I simply double my income……
If I could just find a career that is completely fulfilling….
Maybe one isn’t looking for the next thing but the “right” thing or burying oneself into a project or plan that just isn’t quite working. Either way there is a resistance to release the ideal, because it would also require releasing the false hope. So tighter one grasps and clings…..
If we just moved to the right location…..
If I just married the right person…..
The costs of using self doubt as a coping mechanism
The coping mechanism of self doubt also attempts to keep us from underlying grief and pain in relationships. Most of us will avoid those emotions even if we incur costs year after year. Often relationships (even with oneself) seem ambiguous or difficult to change, so resorting to outward changes or perfecting oneself seems like a more accessible answer.
Developing self trust and self validation feels like it would put ourselves in conflict with the very people with whom we are intertwined. We may also fear invalidating others with our perspectives – thereby concerned that we would cause the very pain in others that led us to cling to self doubt in the first place.
Why validation is so essential to building self trust
When 2 on earth agree, it is done. There is something about agreement that is peace-giving to the soul. It grounds us in a shared understanding and breeds relationship safety. This may or may not be a skill offered in your current relationships.
This is why people are often appropriately desperate for validation. Validation helps me affirm that what is going on in me is real, understood, and has been compassionately heard by those with whom I share life. It doesn’t mean I am “right”, it doesn’t mean I am “wrong,” it simply means that my internal experience is important to me and those around me.
It is essential to have consistent and compassionate validation from unconditionally loving caregivers who are invested in one’s good and happiness. Without it, we become vulnerable to exploitation to those who will use validation or invalidation to control us.
When invalidation is reflected back, it often sounds like:
“why would you think that?’
“reallllllyyyy????? come on now”
“you are interested in what? That is for losers”
We don’t have to hear we are right, but we do need to hear things like:
“Interesting, I am curious why you would think that. There is likely a good reason”
“That surprises me, so there must be something more here that I don’t understand.”
“I have noticed that you enjoy that activity. What about that is interesting to you?”
Validation calms the body, facilitates an emotional trust, and gives room for someone to look inward instead of outward for answers.
The good news is that especially at an emotional level, one perspective does not need to invalid the other. Multiple shared perspectives can expand us, not limit us, if done with mutual respect and value for the relationship.
A few pitfalls of using self doubt as a coping mechanism for uncertainty are:
- Emotional patterns do not change.
- You keep striving for things that may or may not matter to you.
- You cling to one answer, then cling to another, losing touch with your internal compass.
- Its difficult to feel self-confidence or develop self-trust.
- You prayer life becomes a self improvement strategy session.
Ways out of the pit of self doubt:
- Take a look at the emotional patterns in your current relationships and with your caregivers.
- Are there frequent contradictions?
- How do they react when you express how you really feel? Do you express how you really feel? Why or why not?
- Is there frequent invalidation about how you feel or your perspectives?
- Can you have relationships that can agree to disagree and still enjoy each other?
- Invest in understanding and reworking those emotional patterns in relationship. I have a great program for that called Rewarding Relationships.
- Develop an ability to self reflect in a way that allows you to navigate your personal preferences and values not question, doubt, or improve yourself. I also have a great program for that called Rewarding Reflection.
- Build self confidence by knowing, understanding, and honoring your internal process not just external decisions.
- Develop your capacity to hear yourself AND others. Let other view points expand your perspective instead of being defensive or deflated. The more perspectives we can understand and hold space for (including our own) the more we see the bigger picture.
- Reorganize your relationship with God so He has the opportunity to enjoy you not just fix you. Let relationship security be built on the consistent emotional experience of acceptance.