HELP, I NEED ADVICE!
With all the advice that can be offered from family, friends, leaders, and well, any random Google search, which advice is the advice that will get you the experience or results you are seeking?
Last blog, I discussed the importance or getting the advice you need, and shifting through all the often agenda laden advice we get. This week, we discuss how the very advice we crave can be the advice that keeps us stuck.
ADVICE YOU CRAVE
This advice falls into two categories: “You got it!” and “I got it!” Both of these will often overlook the personal growth, significant perspective changes, and development of new routines that are required to really “get it”.
“You Got It!”
“You can do it!” “You are unstoppable!” “GOOOOOO YOU!” carries great enthusiasm, not great advice.
If you confuse the two, it will cost you. Cheerleaders make great cheerleaders but terrible coaches.
I have learned that to take the appropriate action (do the fitting thing at the opportune time), stay committed to a successful longterm strategy, and develop new routines essential for new outcomes, I need coaching, not only cheering.
I need advice that says, “You are distracted, get back to the main thing.” “I know this is painful AND its part of your process, keep engaging with this.” “Get back to the basics, go slower, try again.” “You need to establish non-negotiable daily routines, what excuses are you using to prevent this?” “You DON’T have this as of yet, but if you make these adjustments you will be closer than you have ever been.”
It is this advice that keeps me properly engaged in the reality. If I want to have the experiences and results in reality, then I also must fully engage in the costs, shifts, and growing pains that will be required of me to get what I want in reality.
If you are anything like me, adoring fans can be alot more enjoyable and easier to listen to than challenging coaches.
Here is a story drive home this point. When I was first playing basketball in grade school, a friend of mine got a loose ball. She picked it up and started dribbling to the basket. There was no one guarding her and the crowd was going wild. She was so excited. She rarely scored. This was her moment. The noise of the crowd got louder, drowning out the coach.
The coach was on the side line screaming, “Wrong hoop! Turn around. Go the other way.” The blind enthusiasm of the crowd and energy in the gym drove her to score an easy lay up – for the other team. Embarrassment set in and it was, well, awkward. Not the glorious response she had hoped.
I have definitely scored some easy lay ups in the wrong hoops when I am craving enthusiastic encouragement yet drown out wise and strategic advice.
“I Got It!”
Hearing someone say “I got it.” was one of my go to cravings. I was unconsciously seeking someone to whom I could just trust my dreams and goals, hand over my decisions, and go along for the ride.
I even hoped God would take the hint. I liked the idea that if I had a divine destiny, then the Divine would make it happen. Sure, I would put in work but not THE WORK. I understandably resisted THE WORK. THE WORK that was essential for what I really genuinely wanted was personally affronting & threatening to many of my self concepts, patterns, and relationships.
Big dreams often require significant sacrificial investments and intensely focused, long, and risky journeys. This inherently comes with social complications. People often like when you sacrifice toward their goals, causes, or desires, but will be accusatory, punishing, and distraught when you sacrifice for your own.
If you want someone to tell you it will be easy or that they will make it happen for you, you are likely CRAVING an opportunity TO AVOID THE DISCOMFORT personally or socially that occurs when invested in the the development of your very own dreams.
Therefore, advice like “sow financially into this person’s opportunity and your opportunities will come alive,” or “happily scrub these toilets and eventually you have your own platform” actually becomes attractive to us. With this advice, we get to stay small, compliant, and helpful with the hopes that magically one day our dreams will come true.
QUIETING THE CRAVINGS AND GETTING THE ADVICE YOU NEED
Quieting any type of craving comes with increased emotional intelligence. Practicing listening, understanding, and meeting our personal emotional needs builds self awareness, personal satisfaction, and self esteem. All of these lead to a willingness to embrace and work with the challenges of reality.
Craving is a strong feeling of desire. When we really really want to hear “You got it” or “I got it” certain emotional needs have been neglected giving rise to the cravings.
If you find yourself not getting the advice you need to personalize and actualize your win, consider that you may need:
- To recognize feedback for you came with shame and identity formation. “I can’t believe you thought that was a good idea – what an idiot.” “You can never do anything right.” or maybe just a subtle eye roll to let you know your error was seen and noted. Shame and name calling are actually designed to control you through generating terrible feelings when you step outside of that control. Distinguishing feedback from shame, belittlement, or judgment will give you opportunity to access to valuable advice.
- To recognize conflict was not seen as an opportunity to access a better win-win, but as an offense, threat, and problem. This approach makes one hyper aware of the other in relationship – fixing, being wounded by, suffering because of, running from, placating, etc. It distracts us from THE WORK. This is because the brain prioritizes perceived safety over potential success. You will need to reorient your current relationships. Once you both can maintain mutual respect and sincere engagement while in conflict, you will be able to stay clear on personal wins without it “threatening the relationship” and fear hijacking the nervous system.
- To accept that at certain points you felt very powerless to reality and thereby craved uninformed cheerleading or idealistic leadership to avoid harsh reflections. At certain points this may have been what got you through, but reality is fluid, changing, and possibly far more generous than you have recently noticed. Taking a fresh look at reality may give you chance to realize you are more powerful and capable of developing the patterns, overcoming the challenges, and creating something that is personally rewarding to you step by step.
May the advice you access bring you back to yourself with greater alignment courage and acceleration for the desires of your heart.