Are You Getting the Advice You Really Need? Part 1: Advice You Are Given

HELP! I NEED ADVICE

Being human means we are limited in perspective, time, and expertise. If you want to break through some of these limitations, one of the great solutions is to ask others. They have insights of you couldn’t see, the lessons you did not spend the time to learn, and wisdom of expertise you did not personally cultivate. When we incorporate embodied and matured lessons from others into our growth, we accelerate and excel.

Because advice is so valuable, it serves us well to understand the various forms in which it comes and the various ways we receive it.

ADVICE YOU ARE GIVEN

We have all been given advice. Its quite astonishing how many people are willing and eager to give “free” advice.

The problem is free advice is not always free and can actually be very costly.

When free advice has unclear or hidden agendas, we are prone to think the intention of the advice matches ours and we follow it. Following misaligned advice takes us off course, which can cost us quite a bit of precious time, energy, and money.

People will always have some motivation is giving and that makes sense. Unfortunately, we just don’t always know what that motivation is.

RECOGNIZING ADVICE AND ITS POTENTIAL AGENDAS

Scenarios where the agendas are more likely to be unclear or hidden, possibly even hidden from the people offering the advice themselves, include:

1. People closest to us who are most affected by our choices. People close to us fear losing out on their own best interests when we make decisions that affect them. Parents, spouses, children, and even friends will likely have an invested interest in your decision. This is appropriate – its why you both chose each other in your lives in the first place – you liked the affect that you had on each other – but where it gets tricky is when their invested interest is not clear and upfront.

Statements like, “I know what is best for you,” “you really should,” or “this is so you,” actually can prevent access to your own clarity. Statements such as “I really want this for you,” “I would like it if you would,” or “I am hoping that this is who you are because it would make my life easier, better, more rewarding,” communicate preference without confusion.

2. Recruiters or leaders of a business, organization, endeavor, or community that are trying to accomplish something and want your assistance. Again, this may be easy or difficult to see depending on how authentic the leader is. Non-verified promises of esteem, promotion, and opportunity are common.

I will discuss why we are so attracted to this advice that makes big promises in my next blog, Advice You Crave in Part 2 of Are You Getting the Advice You Actually Need.

3. People who like to be right. People like agreement and commonality. At times people will want you to validate their own choices with similar choices of your own. Different choices, perspectives, or approaches feel threatening to their sense of rightness.

Although this advice can feel safe-keeping, it also has the potential to impart lessons that are ill-fitting to your personality, season, and situation. We may also see it as threatening and completely disregard it due to our own tendency to see things in the extremes of right and wrong. Rarely, if at all, is someone completely right but they are often not completely wrong either. It can take maturity to really sort out this advice.

HOW TO MAXIMIZE VALUE AND MINIMIZE PITFALLS OF ADVICE GIVEN:

1. Build a foundation of self awareness. No advice is useful if it is not fitting. To find out what is fitting we need advice from others who are genuinely listening, asking us questions, and staying compassionately curious as we discover more about ourselves day by day. Be sure to consistently check in with your own feelings and develop self awareness. I have a program to assist in this!
2. Give people permission to have agendas. Accepting agendas allow more clear and honest communication about what someone actually wants from you upfront. Ask questions with kindness and curiosity to better understand the person giving the advice.
3. Distinguish. Learn to recognize hidden agendas as well as the promises, or even threats, that lack substance. Recognize when advice comes with emotionally laden accusation, self righteousness, and/or manipulation. Pause. Breathe. Protect your heart and, if – just if – there is advice that aligns with you – catch it.
4. Clarify the guidance you want and pay for it. Put the other person in a position to be invested in you getting what you want..
5. Ensure that you are intentionally meeting your emotional needs. If you have unmet emotional needs you are an easier target for others’ agendas, unsubstantiated promises, and you will lack the sense of self necessary to navigate properly fitting advice. Also, if you are seeking advice from God, expect Him to be respectful, curious, and kind. He designed the soul and isn’t interested in highjacking your emotional needs to get you to “do something.”
6. Reduce rigidity. Having to be right makes us more susceptible to missing the advice we need.
7. Don’t close off to advice. Even if you have been dealt some bad advice here and there, advice is your acceleration past your own limitations and you want to stay open to receiving its value. Accessing the advice you need, not just the advice you are given or the advice you crave takes time to discern. Keep at it!