Vulnerability Confusion & What It Costs Us

What is vulnerability?

For years, their has been a rising popularity in the concept of vulnerability. Many people claim to be bravely vulnerable with their lives, specifically from platforms, social media posts, or within relationship, but demonstrate more disclosure than vulnerability. And, that’s a problem. Its a big problem because you cannot disclose and get the benefits of vulnerability. To get the benefits of vulnerability, you must be vulnerable and most people do not know the difference.

Disclosure:

1. You tell others information or a story. You tell them things about that may or may not seem favorable at first glance. You choose the perspective and data points by which you reveal information.
2. You distribute this information or story in the ways that feel “smart”, “safe”, or appealing to you. You feel less hidden and more bold.
3. You minimize anyone “finding out” this information or aspects about you in their own way with their own story.

Disclosure definitely has its place and its benefits – it just is NOT vulnerability.

Vulnerability:

1. You open up your life (you don’t open up about your life, but you open up your heart and soul) to be affected by others. Others deeply influence your story and possibly even reshape the characters in your story.
2. You realize you are a part of others people’s stories and learn from hearing their stories from their perspectives. You may be the hero or the heartbreak in someone else’s story and you allow yourself to feel the impact of his/her story.
3. You are not only telling information, but you are also sharing life and the messiness of relationship. You are allowing yourself to be impacted by the love or lack thereof of another.
4. You will feel close and connected as if your life is knit together with others. This often brings a sense of security and belonging in healthy relationships.

If you couldn’t tell, I am slightly bias toward vulnerability. This is because: 1. I am a relationship coach, after all, and vulnerability is such a powerful contributor to what most people want (but are terrified of) in relationship. 2. Vulnerability is just so challenging and powerful that if I don’t lean into it, I will by default run from it.

Does this mean I think you should always be vulnerable? NO. Vulnerability is best used with discretion. Vulnerability is typically ideal when the risk of delighting in shared life experience outweighs the pain of sharing life experience. There will always be pleasure and pain in sharing our lives with others – that’s what makes it the relationship rich – yet we want to choose to be vulnerable with those who seem capable of tipping the scales toward delight.

Is disclosure just a way to look vulnerable without being vulnerable? Not always. Disclosure provides people with an accurate picture of your life which can benefit both you and them. Therefore, disclosure has its place. There is also a place for not disclosing information yet being vulnerable of heart and soul. Upfront honest telling is NOT the same as vulnerability. Again, this matters because if you are NOT being vulnerable. you will NOT provide you or anyone else with deep connection, increased trust or the delightful feelings of belonging.

If you at times feel rejected in relationship, frustrated that another wasn’t “vulnerable” back, or simply boggled by why people don’t feel close to you, you may be using disclosure but thinking its vulnerability. This misconception can lead people to give up on vulnerability altogether and not get important relationship results!

Here are some examples:

1. A worship leader for young adults, wears dreads and tatoos. He is perceived as vulnerable and authentic. Many young people admire his bold unique style and decided to travel with him around the world. These young people perceive that they will feel close, be accepted, and that his “vulnerability” would give them courage to belong as unique as they are. Unfortunately, the worship leader is not actually vulnerable. He resists other’s influence and is far more interested in writing his own story WITHOUT other’s perspectives affecting his view of himself. While he doesn’t hide his tatoos and he makes bold artistic statements, some of his perceived vulnerability is simply disclosure of personal preference, a touch of rebellion, and attention-seeking behaviors. The inspired students who followed him did not get a sense of secure belonging, acceptance, and influence into his story for which they had hoped. Instead, they came home feeling rejected, isolated, and confused.
2. A husband has been cheating on his wife. He feels the weight of his double life and decides to tell his wife all about it. He perceives himself as vulnerable and open, but in actuality he is simply disclosing his story on his terms. When his wife attempts to ask more questions, communicate how this makes her feel, express what pain he has caused in her in her story, he is impatient and demands forgiveness immediately. He is not looking to be vulnerable and blend their stories – for that would take time and discomfort. He simply wants the relief of not being found out, so he discloses information in hopes of experiencing that relief, not to be vulnerable and intimately co-write a story together.
3. A pastor shares his testimony of how he was delivered from drugs years ago. He is disclosing a story that he views as complete, a story from his perspective, and on his terms. This is disclosure and not vulnerable. He is not inviting people to coauthor his current story with him.
4. A friend tells you how she honestly feels about her other friends, her husband, her boss, and even her kids (disclosure) but she doesn’t tell you how you make her feel, unless its positive and affirming. You have no idea how you truly show up in her story. Her lack of vulnerability makes the relationship stale and lacking mature security.

In these stories, people are often left confused with questions such as: Why do I feel even more distant, even after I told him/her so much? This confusion leads to pain, a retreat into inauthneticity, and a distain for “vulnerability.”

Not all relationships need to be vulnerable, especially not to the same degree. But we should all have some relationships that are vulnerable if we want rewarding relationships. Knowing which relationships deserve this investment of heart and soul and if we are even ready to intimately share life and cowrite stories with another (it requires a fairly stable sense of self to be vulnerable), is essential.

To do this, we need to know the difference between disclosure and vulnerability. Only with true vulnerability, will we get the benefits of seeing ourselves from various view points, being impacted as well as impacting others (contributing to a rich sense of fulfillment and significance), and FEEL genuinely connected.

Another beautiful thing about vulnerability is that someone doesn’t need to know every detail about your story. Actually, at times, too much information gets in the way of shared vulnerable experience. We are not looking to write a dissertation on our lives but instead to impact and be impacted by the stories, perspectives, and contributions (or lack thereof) of others. This is a much more risky and uncomfortable, albeit endearing and meaningful experience than providing information.

I am very concerned that people will muddle around in disclosure, assuming that they or others are being vulnerable and leave so many rich rewards on the table. Will you consider a few relationships in which to cultivate the benefits of vulnerability?

To assist you in deepening true vulnerability, look at one of your relationships and ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I know how I make this other person feel?
2. Am I willing to let this other person’s behaviors get to my heart and soul (make me feel)?
3. Do I listen with my heart and soul when he/she speaks about me?
4. Can I tell him/her the fullness of how he/she shows up to me or do I simply leave it at the positives?
5. Is there an current area of my life that I am letting their way of being influence? How do I feel about that?
6. Can I coauthor stories with them or do I just have one of us take the reins while the other one rides in the back seat?
7. Can I feel with them even when I disagree with what they say?
8. Do I need a certain response from this person to feel good or can I really hear him/her as he/she is?