“No” Is the Way To a Kind, Authentic, and Consistent “Yes”

OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORD “NO”

No, no, no, no. “No” can be a controversial word. It can be a word of aggression, resistance, rebellion. “No” can also be one of the kindest and most empowering words we offer to another person. If you want to be authentic, energetic, clear, and creative – “no” and your relationship to the word “no” is necessary to master. This is because “no” is very useful in getting us our “yes”.

Most meaningful “yes”s are cultivated and experienced by the focus of time and energy. Focus can only be maintained with a prioritized yes, and a consistent and continual use of “no” – no to distractions, no to irrelevant demands, no to once held priorities, no to good things, no to things that make us look generous but drain our time and energy.

A SCRIPTURAL “NO”

Let your yes be “yes” and no be “no.” (Matthew 5:37) Although, this scripture has been used to require strict adherence to being committed, this scripture actually can be seen as an invitation to be authentic. The verse immediately before says you cannot make a head on your head change color. So then, why would we be trying to contort and hide our true priorities and preferences? The scripture may very well be an invitation to express our genuine “yes” as well as our genuine “no”’s.

THE KINDNESS OF “NO”

We say “no” not because we are mean, but because we are kind. We say no because we are not going to make anyone else to blame for our current or future resentment, inauthenticity, and sidetracks. We say “no” because we honor the other person’s capability to hear our truth. We say “no” because we are holding ourselves accountable for the priorities, experiences, and creative contributions of our own lives. We say “no” because we are willing to endure the upfront projection of blame, shame, and guilt when we don’t met the demands of another, versus blame, shame and accuse the other person of asking too much. We say “no” because it reinforces our ownership and responsibility for our lives.

We say “no” to simplify and strength our “yes.”

“NO” IS RELATIONAL

“No” is a relational word. It follows the request of another to participate, contribute, or agree. Most invitations of other people are valuable, interesting, and enjoyable opportunities yet these opportunities cost us. They cost us time, energy, focus, and the numerous other opportunities that have not been presented to or created by us yet.

If you don’t know what your priorities for “yes” are as of yet, its going to make “no”’s more difficult. To do the work to discover your focused priorities for a season, a year, or a lifetime, jump into my program Alive From the Inside. There you will receive step by step personal coaching by me, increase your self awareness, and embrace your yes. Your “yes” and subsequent “no”’s will align you internally and relationally for optimal experiences and momentum. Clarifying a “yes” is an absolute must to live a focused and fruitful, authentic and meaningful life that looks, feels, and smells like the true you.

When the difficulty in saying “no” is from relational pressures, then my Emotional Intelligence coaching program is for you. In that personal coaching program we upgrade your relational capacities to give you clarity and enjoyment in relating. This is when it is time to make “yes” and “no” become more graceful, clear, and kind in our communication with those who matter to us.

Below I have listed reasons saying “no” can be difficult as well as why saying “no” is so important. May your “yes” be a sincere and heartfelt “yes” and may your “no” be a compassionately freeing “no”.

WHY SAYING “NO” CAN BE SO HARD

We often get a lot of push and advice on just say no! Unfortunately these campaigns did not work so well for peer pressured teenagers nor do they work on us peer pressured adults.

1. We fear there is only one option. If we say no, there is no other way we will get anywhere close to what we want in life. This fear provokes feelings of powerlessness. This fear is a result of not experiencing ourselves as valuable opportunity creators.
2. We fear we will offend someone. This fear is a result of others in our past perceiving our “no” as rude, uncaring, and punishing. We may have seen others as uncaring when they say “no”. Words like bratty, selfish, ungrateful are commonly used, when someone says “no”, as well as the infamous, “Who do you think you are?”. This fear shifts when the responsibility for the offense is upon the one carrying it.
3. We fear our own judgments. We want to prove that we are good. Good people, good spouses, good parents, good church goers, and good friends because in our minds “good people” get relationship. Relationships since conception have been the way we secure getting needs and wants met. This fear provokes a hyper vigilance to perceived rejection. This fear is often a result of experiencing others’ withdrawal of emotional support as well as induced guilt when you tried to be authentic in the past.
4. We fear we will be punished. We fear the consequences of “no” will be more severe than any reward of following our “yes” would be. This fear is often a result reactive retaliation to one’s “no”’s in childhood, workplace, or with a spouse. To shift this, we must become an authority on our own lives and reward ourselves for the important “yes” we create.

WHY SAYING NO IS SO IMPORTANT

1. We get clarity about what is of value to us. We don’t use precious opportunities of time or resources to do things that we only kind of care about. We say “no” when we understand our human limitations. This demonstrates respect for the brevity and preciousness of life.
2. We get to engage in greater autonomy. Letting our “no”’s be authentic provide the privilege of seeing ourselves with greater authenticity. We shift the way we show up relationally. We are more mature and we connect with people who can respect our no and meet us at our yes. This demonstrates willingness to embrace personal power and responsibility.
3. We get to stay kind. We refuse to accumulate resentment over what we do that we do not genuinely want to do. We allow others to request and invite without fear that they will be labelled or judged. Embodying a kind “no” demonstrates my deep appreciation for honest relational exchange.
4. We get to be creative in the open space. Creativity likes room. We don’t crowd our lives and burden our minds with irrelevant details. When we say “no” we demonstrate faith in our own creative capacities and honor our curious fascination with life.

If you want to clarify and strengthen your “yes” or you want to become more comfortable and consistent in your “no” then consider doing the work with personal coaching. The right opportunities are awaiting you.