Curious as to why you may be stuck in obtaining your desires, moving ahead in business, or stuck at a level that is unsatisfying? Review these 7 common reasons people lose traction in their desires.
- They are unclear on what they want and what they don’t want. The lack of clarity often comes from a trained belief that they cannot get what they want and/or if they do it will cost them relational closeness or support. Therefore, staying vague feels safer and less vulnerable than exposing desires and having that lead to disappointment or relational tension. Human beings are designed to communicate and process our desires in a relationally secure connection, which is unfortunately rare. There can also be blurred lines between unmet emotional needs and true desires. For instance, someone can believe they want to be a billionaire because they believe that if they were a billionaire they would not have to answer to anyone. But the process of becoming a billionaire actually requires them to answer to a lot of people (customers, clients, employees, boards, the government(s), and/or shareholders). Therefore, these “billionaires” will sabotage the process in order to get what they emotionally wanted – which was to create a life where they feel free.
- They see emotions as enemies instead of signals. Emotions can make people feel weak and vulnerable, yet they can also make people feel powerful and passionate. When people have not been trained on how to properly understand, process, appreciate, and nurture their soul, they often shut it down. Therefore these people lose touch with the very emotions that give clarity and fuel commitment to create the personalized success desired. To personally answer the questions, what is success and how do I want to achieve it, require compassionate and curious exploration – and that can be a messy, albeit rewarding, process.
- They relate to themselves in very idealistic and demeaning ways at the same time. Grandiosity and belittlement or two sides of the same coin. Either “I am a rockstar sales person” or “I am pathetic and need to learn 15 new techniques by tomorrow.” Both of these statements, imply that one has very little grasp on his/her humanity and engaging in the process. This black and white thinking can lead to failure, the fear of failure, and enormous amounts of stress. When we deem ourselves as needing radical change, we often go to war against ourselves. Acceptance of who were are today allows us to start with what is real as well as to make subtle yet substantial and consistent shifts that pay off over time.
- People seek external validation at the expense of personal results and lose sight of their own intentions. Validation is an important emotional need but seeking it externally and without clarity is often very expensive. When a validation need is not being met internally, people or business owners may become absorbed on perfecting an image and distract themselves from executing on the results he/she or the clients seek. Clarifying and committing to one’s own intentions builds one’s confidence, momentum, and even customer clarity – which will lead to increased personal and professional results
- People over or under project their dependencies. The level of relational support we need can be over or underprojected. One can also find him/herself asking for help that is ineffective in resolving his/her true needs. In projected overdependency, one can misinterpret a need for emotional support as needing a business partner. In under projecting one’s dependency needs, one can misinterpret a need for autonomy by resisting beneficial mentoring. Another dependency that people often overlook is financial dependency. They over or under risk financially based on a lack of authenticity, awareness, and intimacy with their needs for reserves, cash flow, and lifestyle preferences as well as economic and market factors.
- People blur personal self worth with tested market value. These are two different things. You decide what you are worth by how you response to your authentic needs, desires, and opinions as well as what you invest in yourself. You are not worth what you get paid. You are getting paid for the results you provide and the price you negotiate at market. You can read my previous blogs for more understanding on this topic. https://katieclose.com/2019/04/07/how-valuable-are-you/ and https://katieclose.com/2019/05/09/building-foundational-self-esteem
- People have a resistance to winning. Maybe one has numerous judgments about winners, such as winners are narcissistic, greedy, selfish, etc, etc. One would perceive losing as good, sacrificing, giving, or selfless. If so, most likely he/she only knows of win-lose engagements. Win-wins take practice internally and relationally. First you must commit to your own win which will position you with clarity and free you of resentment. Then you must engage with others who are clear on a win for themselves. Finally you must authentically assess if you can contribute to each other’ win.
From Stuck to Satisfying Success