So often we hear that a lack of communication is the problem and therefore communication is the solution, but all types of talking are not the same.
There is talking around the subject. There is talking to avoid feelings. There is talking to persuade. There is talking to process. There is talking to engage and pursue. There is talking to ask questions and learn. There is talking to indoctrinate. There is talking to complicate or hide truth. There is talking to gain attention. There is talking to seek validation. There is talking transfer an emotional state. There is talking to cover behavior. There is talking to inform. There is talking for all kinds of reasons. Some talking allows for more communication than others.
Many times people want to say something but are not aware of the reasons. Convinced that “getting something off their chests” will make them feel better, people just talk. Then they often leave disappointed or even more frustrated. People begin conversations without the clarity and context for getting the results they seek .
Some people may adopt a “all guns blazing” technique where they don’t really allow for feedback or genuine conversation. Some may adopt a “don’t really say anything but keep reading the other person” technique which is vague and confusing.
Conversations can easily become circular, off topic, and ineffective. Its not the conversations fault by the way – its how we engage in the conversation.
Since conversation is important and genuine connection with others is a high human need, we all benefit from intentional clarity, personally developed authenticity, conversational practice, and assessment. To help with this, I have developed a number of questions that can greatly clarify your desire to have a conversation. The more you practice, the more results you will experience.
Working through these questions with raw honesty and sincere curiosity will take about 10 minutes but will save you hours (probably even years) off of circular discussions and ineffective attempts to talk.
BEFORE YOU HAVE THAT TALK:
FILL IN THE BLANKS
- Conversation with __(who)____ about ____(what)____
2. What am I hoping to experience by having this conversation with him/her?
3. What am I risking in having this conversation? What will this conversation cost me?
4. Is there a more effective way to experience the relational outcome I desire?
5. Could I more clearly demonstrate my values/opinions/desires through action versus conversation?
6. Is there something about him/her that I am refusing to accept?
7. Is there something that I want him/her to do for me that h/she has clearly demonstrated that he/she is not interested in doing?
8. What is the percent likelihood that I will get the outcome that I am hoping for?
9. What would be so bad about not having this conversation? And why would that be so bad?
10. When I talk to him/her, I want him/her to respond by saying ______________________.
11. When I talk to him/her, I want him/her to respond by doing ______________________.
12. When I talk to him/her, I want him/her to feel ______________________.
13. When talking to him/her I want to feel__________________________.
14. After done talking to him/her, I want to feel______________.
15. I will know this conversation is over when ____________.
16. I would like to/I am willing to have ____________ repetitive conversations about this topic until _______________________.
Being intentional and honest takes work, but it is the kind of work that comes with reward. You get clear, you become effective, and you minimize hours of circular, possibly painful discussions.
Take the time to fill in this conversation worksheet before most all important conversations. You will be glad you did.
Keep reading for an example of how to fill one out.
Conversation with my friend about our relationship.
What am I hoping to experience by having this conversation with him/her? I want her to know that I am a good person and trust worthy eventhough I no longer go to her church.
What am I risking in having this conversation? What will this conversation cost me? I risk her being offended that I thought it was a good idea to leave the church. I risk her making me out to be a bad person for justifying leaving the church. I risk her using the things I say against me to justify why she thinks I am unhealthy, wrong, as well as why she hasn’t talked to me for months.
Is there a more effective way to experience the relational outcome I desire? I could genuinely believe that I am a good and trustworthy person without having to justify my decisions, (especially without her having to justify my decisions). Be good to her, care about her, listen to her. Be kind enough to let her have her own opinion about me.
Could I more effectively demonstrate my values/opinions/desires through action versus conversation? I could live the values of love and freedom for myself that I profess. I could demonstrate continued good and trustworthy service to the community.
Is there something about him/her that I am refusing to accept? I am refusing to accept that her life, opinions, and livelihood is consumed by and reliant upon the success of the church. The esteem and clout of the church will most often prioritize any personal choice, even her own. She will not be able to justify my choice without being conflict with all her current justifications and sacrifices.
Is there something that I want him/her to do for me that he/she has clearly demonstrated that he/she is not interested in doing? I want her to say that it is ok that I left the church (and that she understands). I want her to continue to invest in our friendship. I want her to celebrate me in her church community, even when I am not there serving. I want her to think my choice to move on was wise. . . . . She has not demonstrated any interest in offering me these. . .. . I am hoping a conversation will change her way of being.
What is the percent likelihood that I will get the outcome that I am hoping for? With my current approach, I will 95% likely leave feeling worse about myself. I will likely feel like I spent 3 hours pretending to be interested in her just to seek personal validation and regain some clout in her eyes. She has already demonstrated a lack of interest as well as distance, so my persuasive conversation will likely be less than 5% effective.
What would be so bad about not having this conversation? And why would that be so bad? Not having this conversation would require me giving up on the idea that our friendship was more important than our church involvement. I consistently build friendships the way I did with her, therefore I have to reassess my friendship model if I want something different.
When I talk to him/her, I want him/her to respond by saying ______________________. You are even more amazing today. I would highly recommend you as a friend.
When I talk to him/her, I want him/her to respond by doing ______________________. Celebrating and talking me up to all the community.
When I talk to him/her, I want him/her to feel ______________________. Genuinely free (which is not how she will feel it I approach her like this).
When talking to him/her I want to feel__________________________. Confident and self-assured, like I have something to offer her
After done talking to him/her, I want to feel______________. Pleased with my decision to leave the church (this could cause me to subconsciously look for reasons her decision to stay is not good – that gets messy)
I will know this conversation is over when ____________. I have added something of value (this will likely lead to me shoveling my wisdom down her throat). So instead: I could now that we are not at odds if we laugh, celebrate, or smile together
I would like to/I am willing to have _____2_______ repetitive conversations about this topic until _________we delight in each other______________.
What a great tool! Thank you Katie.