Benefits of Boundaries

I would often be counseled by my spouse, employer, or friends to establish boundaries. If everyone around me saw the need for me to do it, why was it so difficult? It was difficult because I lacked ownership and clear understanding of the benefits. As soon as it was difficult or I got some pushback – the boundaries collapsed. To set boundaries because it is the right thing to do or because someone else tells me I should, misses the best aspects of boundaries.

It is the beautiful benefits of boundaries that can empower us to embrace the changes necessary to clarify and commit to them. Boundaries allow us to express ourselves with execution (not just words). This is exhilarating and terrifying. Owning our boundaries exposes us. Yet without seeing ourselves as we are, we are never truly known or clear even to ourselves.

Boundaries result in being seen. No excuses, no blaming, no she said/he said. People will actually see what I value. I will actually see what I value. People will see what I believe. I will see what I believe.

The benefits to boundaried ownership are enormous and fulfilling. The process will likely require self compassion, self discovery, and, yup, internal and external feedback (this is where that self compassion is key).

Below I listed key benefits to boundaries. The first set are more personal and the second set focus on relational benefits. I ask that you choose at least one of each and hash out 2 specific areas where you believe that benefit would be most rewarding right now.

Personal benefits

1. I consistently honor my genuine priorities. I allow my own well spring of life (heart) to flow towards that which is most valuable to me. I have a clear sense of my limitations of time, energy, and money and therefore choose what is most important to ME out of all possible potentials. Therefore I experience satisfaction based upon my preferences I rest in knowing that I hold a valuable compass, effective for decision making.

2. I understand the opportunity costs of my choices. I am not coasting on the subsidizes of others, or if I am I am choosing those consciously. Again, I understand the costs of my choices and how these costs are affecting that which is mine to own and steward. The workability and sustainability or lack thereof becomes quickly and increasingly clear.

3. I establish protection for that which is mine to own. I am not waiting on someone to be nice, to advocate, or promote that which I value. I take the responsibility for protection of what is mine in order to create and cultivate within my own boundaries. I no longer position myself as a victim. I have the confidence that what I build its not going to be torn down and I have the privilege of deciding, rearranging and learning through the process without all being lost.

4. I move forward with greater velocity. I own my stuff. I allow other people to own their own stuff. I reduce my time spent judging, fixing, analyzing, blaming and helping others. I accept people as they are and relationships become more clear. I minimize enabling and excusing in myself and others. I have renewed energy as I look at my own gaps because I am not consumed with the gaps in others.I don’t need you to change for me to move forward..

Relational benefits

1. My meeting “places” with others are more clear and sustainably enjoyable. Both people own what they do and do not want out of the relationship. Negotiations of time, energy, and finances invested is not vague. I know where I start and where I end. This minimizes resentment and reactive cut off later on in the relationship.
2. My connections feel real. I interact from integrity and authenticity. I stay in my lanes and speak my truths. Dissonance is minimized in my life. I do not need to be everything to everyone. I make connections with the kinds of people who can genuinely value and enjoy me as I am.
3. I enjoy the diversity of opinion and experience. I get really good at being myself. While I may not be able to be someone else I can appreciate and enjoy him/her. I am grateful we are all not the same for undifferentiated cells simply become a blob. Differentiated cells become unique systems, organs and parts of a body. Cooperative differences contribute to everyone’s overall wellbeing. I benefit from the differences and experience win wins.
4. Others can relax in my acceptance of my honest humanity. I can include others without pretense. Others can be human and self interested. Others feel secure, clear, and comfortable to the degree that they are impacted by my personal culture. Boundaried people allow others to feel boundaried.