What would happen if you gave yourself permission to say, “I don’t know”?
Sure, I bet a lot of you will lament, “I say that all the time.” Many of you are probably thinking, “Katie, ugh, I need to say that less.”
Notice, I did not ask you if you said it. I asked what if you gave yourself permission – even approval – for saying “I don’t know.”
Most of the time we feel the pressure to make a decision. Maybe even some shame that we haven’t made a decision already. Yet, one of the major problems is our resistance to be at peace with the simple statement, “I don’t know.”
One of my intentions for this year is to be more decisive, a.k.a. knowing what I want and accessing it with streamlined clarity. I really really like the experience of decisiveness, but I have often admired decisiveness at the expense of the beauty of good ol’ “I don’t know.”
“I don’t know,” leaves me feeling slightly powerless, unstable, lacking confidence, and not in the lead. Those feelings can be so uncomfortable that I like to skip them, bulldoze them and just well “know”. I have often just forced myself to decide because I was so irritated by my indecision.
Then I get a decision made, but problem unsolved. The problem was not that I needed to know the answer, the problem was I needed to know myself through the process.
Look at the definition of know below.
Know is to be aware of through observation, inquiry, or information. Know is to have developed a relationship with (someone) through meeting and spending time with them; to be familiar or friendly with (someone).
Consistent indecision or bulldozing decisions is often a symptom of a relationship with oneself that lacks awareness. A relationship often lacks awareness because the relationship lacks a friendly and compassionate nature in which authenticity is safe and respected. (See definition above).
“I don’t know” gives me access to the realization that I don’t know me that well. I don’t know me because likely I am hard, critical, or demanding of myself in ways that, at best, inhibit, if not actively deteriorate sincere self expression.
“I don’t know” is the acceptance that I need to nurture a new way of relating to myself. “I don’t know” asks me to first be compassionate toward my indecision. Instead of shaming or blaming indecision for “my problems,” I could live in the tension of not knowing with kindness, understanding, and patience. This means I may also have to endure some feelings of powerlessness, uncertainty, and humility. I may have to accept “I don’t know.” as the motivation to look, to care, to shift my whole perspective of “what is wrong with me.” Maybe, this discomfort is right – I genuinely and simply don’t know.
Knowing someone (yourself) will take time, care, and relational skill. Thankfully, with consistent, compassionate, and curious observation, you will become aware of yourself – beautiful, fascinating, and intricate you. The more kind you are to you, the more honest you are with you, which will result in the more you know you.
There may be some decisions that are more pressing than others, but no matter what you decide, an “I don’t know” may be just the very invitation you needed to feel slightly unsure, yet also wonderfully curious about you, the one who ponders all those decisions.
To know and be known was the supreme prize and great advantage of one of the most read, accomplished, and admired men in history, the Apostle Paul. May you make your decisions with your eyes on one of the greatest prizes of all – knowing you.