Building foundational self esteem

Most of us know we need self esteem, but how do we develop unconditional value and worth for ourselves?

1. Discover our relationally-based emotional needs.
2. Meet those needs.

When you commit to finding out what your emotional needs are and you prioritize tending to those needs, you communicate a very profound message to yourself and those around you: “I am important.”

This message is not a luxury, this message is essential. “I am important.” “I matter.” “I am valuable.” – These statements are the essence of self esteem. Self esteem is something we all NEED.

Genuine Emotion Bridges the Gap

Unfortunately many people will say” I know this. I know I am important, but I don’t feel important.” This is due to mental assent without emotional experience. Also known as having the right answer but not experiencing the essence.

People may also say they believe they matter but then if you watch their lives they live as if their own feelings, preferences, needs, or experiences don’t matter. They invalidate themselves and seek to find importance via a cause, status, position, person, or ideology. The problem is even if you achieve the status or completely conform to the ideology, you are still not important – the external attachment is.

You genuinely know yourself as important when your feelings, preferences, needs, and experiences mare prioritized and met. (Notice I didn’t say that the feelings, needs, preferences control you! Most people who demand their needs or wants be met are reacting out of fear that they won’t get what the need. This fear is likely based in years of not being heard or respected.) When you allow your internal world to be heard, respected, and cared for – you gain major traction in self esteem.

You may or may not feel amazing at first because self esteem is meant to be demonstrated with consistent care. Most people need to reestablish trust, risk current self esteem attachments, and become aware of what their genuine emotional needs are first. This takes patience, safety, practice, and skill. That is why Wholehearted and Art of the Heart sessions are here to help.

Self Esteem Foundation Building

Let’s look at building this foundation. How about enjoying this foundation? How about receiving this foundation? Yes let’s look at receiving these emotional needs in order to 1) delight in the gift of relationship, 2) build a platform of personal value, and 3) support genuine self-expression.

Relationally- based emotional needs include but are not limited to:

1. Acceptance
2. Approval
3. Affection
4. Attention
5. Appreciation
6. Advocacy/Fighting for
7. Comfort
8. Encouragement
9. Empathy/Feeling Felt
10. Respect
11. Security
12. Support/Structure
13. Recognition
14. Validation
15. Enjoyment
16. Freedom/Autonomy
17. Limits/Authenticity

Reread the above list. Write down the ones that stand out to you. Circle the top three. Underline the need that seems most important to you right now.

When I did this, my top three were approval, enjoyment, and appreciation. I then really tried on statements like, “Katie, you are alright. I like you and your choices.” This felt slightly inauthentic and made no impact. Then I said, “I am going to enjoy my choices!” Again, felt forced and distant. Then, I tried on, “Katie, thank you for choosing the path of the heart,” and the flood gates opened. This is the need that I could receive.

Was I talking to myself? Yes (we all are often talking to ourselves without awareness of it). More importantly, I was attempting to meet myself with an emotion I could genuinely offer and receive. Relating to oneself is one of the safest places to get really authentic. If you have really supportive, mature, and kind people in your life, that could also be a great place to ask them for emotional experiences to meet your needs. You would also benefit from offering to met their needs as well.

Ensuring that the Emotional Needs are Received

These needs are intended to be received relationally (aka vulnerably – aren’t all relationships vulnerable – yikes!) prior to performance. This is why childhood is so perfect for the receptivity of these needs and foundation building. Children are vulnerable and open. They challenge us to be attentive, respectful, patient, affirming, and affectionate in action. Words will not suffice for a child, especially a young child. He or she needs to feel you. If these needs are not met with sincerity and a fair amount of consistency, hearts harden. Parents cannot give what they have not themselves received so the cycle continues (sometimes with more modern language or techniques).

Often conversations get circular because people are not clear on what he/she wants out of the conversation. Authenticity expedites the exchange of value. The clearer on what you are “hungry” for, the more likely you are to be satisfied. Prioritize meeting the emotional need first (before looking for reasons it should be met or adding a bunch of language). Notice that words can be useful but they can also be flat or deceptive – it is the emotional exchange that communicates value on a heart and soul level. We are looking for sincere experiences and the heart and soul will know the difference.

Sometimes our hearts have been hardened and resist certain attempts of nurture or care. Sometimes, we or the people in our lives are not truly offering us the nurture we need. Either way, we must attend to our the state of our relationally-based emotional needs. You cannot access true self esteem through desperate declarations or forced kindness.

Beware of Unment Emotional Needs

One of the problems with not getting these emotional needs met is the starvation of the heart and soul. Depriving someone of his/her needs does not make them better, tougher, or more courageous. Starvation makes one more susceptible to cravings, vulnerable to manipulation, and more desperate. Dictators deprive people of various needs for these very reasons.

Again, self esteem is not meant to be based on comparison, performance, appeasing others, or material acquistion. If desired, you can build a competitive drive, excelling in performance, making others happy, and financial growth FROM your self esteem. To navigate the distinction, check out my blog How Valuable Are You?

God’s relational exchange of emotional needs

Even Jesus was receptive to having his emotional needs relationally met. Jesus received recognition as a baby from wise men and prophets. Before he began any ministry, He received respect from his cousin and approval from his heavenly Father. He received validation from his mother, even when he disagreed with her. He received affection and attentive care from friends even as they laid his dead body in what they thought was defeat.

Christ’s receptivity to having his relationally-based needs met provided patience and steadfastness to stay true to his self-expression and his purpose despite fluctuating reactions to his performance.

Many times we won’t even let God directly meet our relationally-based emotional needs much less other people. Letting ourselves be unconditionally approved, consistently delighted in, choices respected, etc. feels vulnerable and unlikely, so we harden and perform or please.

More often than not I see people desperately seeking God’s approval through more service, praising Him but never receiving His praise, His enjoyment, and His affection. People also often don’t expect God to respect their own preferences and therefore frantically look for Him to tell them what to do. These relational patterns with God can be signs that emotional needs are not being met.

The Practice of Meeting Emotional Needs

I would suggest that you practice offering and receiving emotional needs. You could involve others in this process. Practice is more like play than performance– the goal is become aware, learn, notice when emotional exchanges are are genuine or not. Overtime skill and trust will increase, as will one’s self esteem. This will make one more courageous and creative.

If you notice that you are challenged or baffled by this process, connect with me and sign up for sessions. Investing in yourself communicates value. Accessing support and structure for this process is communicating that your heart and soul matter.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. This world is starving for people whose hearts and souls know how much they matter. Here’s to a fascinating and rewarding journey of building your unconditional and foundational self esteem!