How Valuable Are You?

This question can produce all kinds of responses. The answer (as well as the origin of the answer) profoundly affects how we experience life.

Two value assessments

Many times the answer to this question seems confusing. For example, someone says you are “precious” and “worth the world” but then won’t call you back. Also, someone may even tell him/herself that he/she deserves the best, yet doesn’t seem to have the traction to get even the simple things he/she wants.

There are two different ways to access value. Value can be (1) inherent or given free of conditions (UAV – unconditionally attributed value). Value can also be (2) a result of providing skills (emotional, relational, physical, etc). These skills must be deemed as beneficial by others (RCV – recognized contribution value). Both of these are important for healthy development, esteem, well-being, and relationships.

Unconditionally attributed value (UAV)

Value that is given unconditionally (UAV) is foundational. UAV is best embraced by the soft receptive heart of our childhood. Children are inherently at the mercy of those who do or do not value them. Caregivers who unconditionally attribute value to the child lay a foundation for healthy self esteem. Most parents have the intention to offer this to their children, yet due to a lack of experiencing UAV themselves, pressures to prioritize other things, postponing the value of the child (see the trap of assigned potential value), and a variety of other reasons, these parents simply do not provide UAV for the child.

The trap of assigned potential value

Unfortunately early childhood value can be distorted by “assigned potential value.” Assigned potential value would see the child like an investment by which a caregiver invests in a child with a contract of sorts (unknown and obviously not agreed upon by the child). These are likely to be unconscious for the caregiver. The caregiver simply lacks awareness and values the child with unconscious conditions, conditions that often seek to fulfill unmet needs in the caregiver.

Assigned potential value can take the form of: I take care of you, you make me look good. I take care of you, you keep me from ever feeling lonely. I take care of you, you live possibilities that I am too old to live out for myself. I take care of you, you take care of me when you grow up. I take care you, you make me feel important.

The child’s value is conditioned upon the fulfillment of the “contract.” This will negate attempts for secure UAV to be experienced. Self worth issues may not arise until the teenage years, when a child seeks to individuate, but the problem has been there all along. He or she will engage in repeated unconscious contracts with friends or dates as well as feel obligated to always give more than agreed or appropriate in relationships. This cycle (void of UAV) will keep someone from developing the clarity, confidence, and benefits of a truly resonate recognized contribution value (RCV).

The heart and soul of UAV

UAV cannot be communicated in words void of experience. A child must experience UAV in the earliest of years when he or she has nothing to offer but open-armed presence. A small child perceives of heart and soul long before it grasps language. Therefore UAV must be experienced of heart and soul. This is where the child has the greatest opportunity to embody a strong sense of self worth by just being. Affectionate care is given because the presence of the child was in itself valuable, appreciated and enjoyed.

As the child gets older, UAV protects the child from imposed conditions and provides the foundational base for developing recognized contribution value (RCV). The child does not need to pay back for the years of care. The teenager does not need to accommodate the peer group. The individual does not need to sabatogue a growth process to fanatically prove ROI (return on investment). Instead, one with UAV can discover personal interests and cultivate a market value or recognized contribution value (RCV) that genuinely reflects his/her preferences.

Developing Recognized Contribution Value RCV

Secure in unconditionally attributed value, a child can try on many different types of careers, societal contributions, and dating experiences. A child can fail and process the feedback without crumbling in self doubt or villianizing the market’s assessment (which will likely not be very favorable at the beginning of skill acquisition).

When someone begins a career or is first starting to date, he or she is not that good at the skills necessary. These skills may be relational, emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, etc. Therefore the “market” will let them know greater skill development is necessary through low pay/reward, little to no response, or limited options. Since most people lack the foundation of unconditional attributed value , any rejection or lack will cause them to assume that they are worthless, deem the “market” as evil, or compulsively try to achieve recognition void of heart and soul. Recognized-contribution value is important, but takes time, effort, feedback, and skill acquisition to develop.

If you are pioneering a new service, product, or concept then you may even have to take the risk of investing in your own contribution years before others may or may not see its value. This is when UAV is especially essential. UAV paves the way for sincere pioneering efforts.

One may want to achieve RCV as a spouse, a parent, a volunteer, an educator, a business leader, a first responder, and the list goes on and on. The development of skills in one or a few of these areas enable one to build and enrich one’s life as well as others.

Not one or the other

If one thinks that all value should be inherent, then he or she will see the world as suffocatingly unfair and sabotage personal attempts at achievement. If one thinks that there is no inherent value he or she will be tossed by the tides of the market and wavering opinions of people. Both values serve to make our lives rich. Yet, the priority is for UAV, since it is essential for the foundation of self esteem, well-being and healthy relationships.

UAV as the foundation

Unconditional attributed value is the foundation because with that value, one will have the courage to engage with the market, to try and try again, to acquire skills in an area of interest and develop a meaningful versus compulsive drive to contribute.

If you are lacking the UAV, you are not alone. Most people are. Parents can not give to children what they do not have. Even the best caregivers miss important opportunities to reflect UAV to their children’s hearts and souls. All people must in some ways experience the vulnerability of childlikeness to receive fresh reflection and experience of inherent worth. The soft heart within us is the best place to experience UAV.

Again, words are insufficient. To tell yourself how much you value yourself and not experience it is painful. This discrepancy only perpetuates a relational chasm and further discourages the heart and soul (as inauthenticity always does).

Experiencing UAV

There are a number of ways to access the experience of UAV yet they all must be relational. That is the nature of attribution. The value is given not sought, earned, or worked up. Your relationship to God, yourself, a trusted friend, spouse, therapist, or coach will likely be of benefit you in this area.

Thankfully, UAV is the spiritual bedrock of the Christian faith. God values all mankind without conditions. He attributed the value of each person at the high price of His Son. This was not earned, wooed, or secured through any personal efforts of humankind.

Envisioning yourself as being an infant born again can be a beautiful exercise. While there envision God basking in your presence and enjoying your inherent value. This can offer you an experience of UAV. I discuss more about the experience of self esteem in my blog Building Foundational Self Esteem. Internal practices such as this are only the beginning and there is much more to experience.

Having a secure and strong foundation of unconditional attributed value is essential. UAV will allow you to navigate and risk creatively contributing in a way that matters to you because you matter to you. You will experience the process of developing recognized contribution as a reflection of how valuable you are not because you are compulsively striving for it.