Has there been a time you have expressed a desire or need and later regretted it? If your desire was met with shame, belittlement or denial, the answer is likely yes. I find that this experience happens so often that we begin to do it to ourselves. Over time, avoiding pain (shame and rejection) becomes a greater relief than getting what we want.
If we think that getting what we want is selfish indulgence, then acknowledging it even to ourselves hurts. Being identified as selfishly indulgent is, well, painful. So we may choose being miserable instead of risking rejection.
Silencing Desires
Years ago, I helped care for a precious foster baby and for the first few weeks she was quiet. Really quiet. Everyone told me how good this little girl was, but this quiet was not good. This was the quiet of expecting that her requests would be unmet or worse met with pain. By the end of a few weeks, she began to ask, to push boundaries, and advocate for herself. She may have no longer been quiet but the noise was good.
Expressing a want or desire is very vulnerable, especially when that desire’s fulfillment is dependent upon others. If we internalized the shame of our desires then desire becomes downright painful. Therefore we give up attempting to understand, much less communicate, what we want. We subject ourselves to being “quiet”. Advocating for what one wants feels dangerous, unacceptable, and a precursor to rejection. Ouch!
Should You Get What You Want?
A question I often get is, “Should I get what I want?” One reason we even ask this question is we tell ourselves stories like: “getting everything one wants would be bad.” This is often a story developed by people who are accustomed to not getting what they want. This story would justifiably make someone feel better, at least right or more moral, about not getting what they want but the story is often not substantiated and unhelpful.
A child with a large inheritance may get every material thing they want but may not get the attention, maturation, and respect that he/she wants. Then the child may get incessant about asking for stuff because material stuff was the only desire fulfilled. Although this may look greedy and demanding, it is possible that many other needs were not met. This child needs more care and not less.
Another reason that people question if they should get what they want is that some things are not good for us. It would serve one well to look closer at the desire. Some desires may not be profitable for us because of the means by which we seek to get them. Looking more closely often it is not things we want, it is the feeling we associate with those things.
Let’s say someone wants affection – getting affection is a valid and important human need. Getting healthy affection from a loving father, family, or community is beneficial for the person who wants it and the person receiving it. This desire strengthens connection and compassion. Yet seeking to get affection from dating partners who care very little for your well-being is dangerous. Young girls with unmet desires for affection are often far more susceptible to manipulation and pain.
Incentives to Shame
Why would someone shame or belittle our desires? He/she may feel inadequate in taking the time and interest to really understand and fulfill the desire and most people do NOT like feeling inadequate. People have often shamed their own desires, so its natural to shame others. Maybe he or she fears the fulfillment of your desires will distance you from him/her, maybe he/she believes you getting what you want will interfere with him/her getting what he/she wants, or maybe he/she is trying to protect you from what they believe would be a painful acquisition process.
Why would we shame our own desires? Well, we may feel inadequate to accessing them, we may feel that our desires would distance us from certain people, or we may feel the fulfillment of our desires may make others resentful, bitter, or judgmental toward us.
Although others or even you may think that rejecting desires keeps us safer, this is often not the case. Getting what you want is actually how this life was designed. Babies cry when hungry and reach out when tired. They ask for help getting what they want because it is good for them to get what they want. Fulfilled desires develop satisfaction and confident trust as an individual’s needs are met.
Even a toddler who is throwing a fit over a piece of gum at checkout, is often saying I want to have a voice, I want my desires to be respected, and I want to know what your boundaries are. It is far deeper than a piece of gum. We may not agree on whether or not to give the child gum, but I think we could agree that a respected voice and clear boundaries is a valid and important experience for a child. For more on how to discover the deeper reality of what we or others want (which is often a feeling) read my blog I Want to Feel...
Again, if our desires are shamed (made wrong), belittled (made unimportant), and/or denied (rejected), we will feel wrong, unimportant, and rejected. If the desire is heard, respected, deeply understood, and fulfilled at some level, then we will feel respected, important, and valued. Even if there is not immediate gratification, acknowledging the desire and engaging in a process to understand and/or fulfill the desire reassures the heart of one’s worth.
Many people have lost connection with what they want and for good reasons. The pain of shame and rejection being some of the most common. I do not find that this disconnection with desire strengthens people. I have seen it make people more susceptible to cravings and gratifications that do not serve them well or offer substantial fulfillment.
Unfortunately, people develop many different stories around not getting what they want to protect them from pain but then the stories serve to actually protect them from getting what they want. What you want is important because you are important.
One of Jesus Christ’s favorite question was “What do you want?’ In this question, he restored the dignity of human desire. Some were positioned immediately to get what they wanted, some were invited into a process to get what they wanted, and some were challenged to think more deeply about what they really wanted.
Fulfillment comes from “filling” where we are empty, where we want. When we meet this on-going process of desire clarification with acceptance, compassion, and sincere interest, well, fulfillment is not far behind. Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
Stay connected because in the next blog, I will look at what engaging in the process of getting some of the bigger, more demanding desires of our hearts can look like and why is it crucial to know what those are.