I often get asked, why is it so hard to feel the way I want? There are a number of reasons. For instance, I have recently been wanting to feel more playful, yet the harder I tried to play the less playful I was. Apparently, trying hard at being playful does not make one more playful.
Some the most common reasons feeling states elude us is because we attempt to manufacture feelings, we resist feeling the reality of how we currently feel, and we fear shifting our current emotional states to make room for the feeling we say we want. Let me explain these 3 main reasons I find people don’t get access to the new feelings they want.
Manufacturing Feelings
Changing how one truly feels takes presence, willingness to feel, authenticity, compassionate self awareness and skill. Those can seem quite substantial, so I completely understand (and still at times find myself) manufacturing the feelings instead. We change our schedules, our friends, or our habits – maybe all three but the undercurrent of our feelings settles back to just about where it was before. Here are some examples:
To feel playful, most people will resort to manipulating the eternal environment or schedule to make that happen. This is where we plan a party, meet up with friends we esteem as fun, or watch people have fun on screen. We attempt to change externals which can manufacture an experience of fun but often does not make us feel playful. When we FEEL playful, than all of life becomes a playground. One will make dishes magic mirrors that transport you to mysterious places once you wash all the food off them:) Sound ridiculous – of course it does –its playful.
Another great example is wanting to “get organized.” Out of a desire to FEEL organized, we organize our homes, schedules, and to-do lists, but we must frantically cling to these because we are not internally organized. I am not opposed to planning fun or organizing closets (quite the contrary – these are some of my favorites!), but I have witnessed the absolute necessity of attending to our internal world of heart and soul if we want to FEEL different long term. We all want to FEEL good, with variations to the particular type of good. To get more in touch with how you want to feel, checkout my recent blog.
Resisting Unwanted Feelings
Feelings are rarely controllable. This is one of the reasons people are intimidated by feelings and often choose to repress or deny feelings. “Stuffed” feelings simply get stored in the body.
Feeling difficult feelings is often the precursor to feeling good ones – if these difficult feelings are met with presence and skill. This practice follows the truths of “blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” and “sorrow for the night, but joy in the morning.” The problem with difficult feelings is when they never access compassionate presence or resolution.
Shifting the way we relate to ourselves we can have a dramatic effect on the way we feel overall. Yet, nearly all the most effective and sustainable break through processes ask us to FEEL. Through feeling we can access the awareness and wisdom of the soul.
As a prerequisite to wanting to feel playful, I need to FEEL. This means I will need to accept all that I currently feel. This could include grumpy, resentful, old, overwhelmed, etc. If I have judgments against these feelings I will resist them. If I am resisting these feeling states, I am not working with what is currently real for me. This resistance will deny me access to my heart and soul.
Keeping the clutter of my inner world
Feelings need internal room to be experienced. I cannot demand a genuine feeling. Feelings show up in an internal, relational, and consistent atmosphere that allows that feeling.
Unfortunately, I may be so attached to feeling efficient that I have no room for playful to show up. I may be so attached to the feeling of generous, I have no room for to experience receptive. We can clutter our lives with emotions to which we are strongly attached, leaving no room for other emotions.
To feel playful, I would have to give up feeling in control, give up feeling efficient, give up feeling driven to learn, give up feeling assured I was doing the right thing, and give up feeling powerful. I needed to clear my space. Not that any of the above feelings are wrong, they just were not going to hold the same space as play and apparently I was VERY attached to feeling efficient, smart, right, etc.
Acknowledging the feelings I was attached to was the first step. Then I had to recognize what was the glue in my attachment to these feelings. (Again, the feelings are not wrong, I simply was so attached to them, I did not give myself room for the curiosity, creativity, and enjoyment of play).
Usually the glue is a memory, story, or belief that solidifies the seeming essential need of being efficient, smart, or right. I began to unravel some of my stories, re-navigate some memories, and reassess some of my beliefs. There, I began to have more room to spontaneously experience playful moments.
Being in control can be wonderful, unless it prevents you from receiving and enjoying your vulnerabilities. Being efficient can fuel a sense of accomplishment, but it can also prevent spontaneity, Feeling free can be a exhilarating, unless the attachment to that feeling prevents one’s own development.
Feeling the way I want
Through Art of the Heart, I have consistently experienced genuine feelings from the heart. Feelings that were critical to my health, my connections, and my contributions, feelings like peace and joy. For this to happen, I had to recognize how my attempts to manufacture these feelings were unsustainable, I had to accept all kinds of difficult emotions to feel for real, and I had to release states of being to which I was strongly attached.
It was difficult, but worth it.
Are you interested in cultivating important feelings in your life? Consider where you might be working outside in. Ask yourself: what feelings are am I not willing to feel? Notice what emotional states to which you are really attached – ones by which you identify yourself. Then you can begin to do the work of navigating your feelings and cultivating the feeling you want. This truly takes the artist work of your heart. Thankfully your heart was made for this work and is a well spring of life. If you want to move the process forward exponentially, contact me at Art of the Heart.