I Want to Feel……

What do you want? Most likely you are in search of a feeling. Consider prosperity for example. If someone wants prosperity, he/she is ultimately wanting what he/she believes prosperity can make them feel. People often believe prosperity will create a feelings of security, generosity, value, importance, wisdom, favor, or independence. Yet to achieve prosperity it is often essential to feel these ways first.

We are all in pursuit of feelings, as we should be. Feelings are experiences that nurture our relationships, perspectives, and even body chemistry. There are plenty of reasons we do not feel the way we want (which we will get into in later blogs) but for now, let’s consider how desperate even the most self proclaimed logical humans are to feel.

The desire to feel a certain way may be masked by claims of wanting a goal, an ideal, an experience, an item, or even a person (think dating). There is almost always a subconscious association between obtaining what one wants and a feeling state. For example, someone would want to go on a cruise if he or she believes it would make them feel relaxed, entertained, or connected with a lover. Someone would not want to go on a cruise if he/she believes it would make them feel seasick, cramped, or too distracted by activities to enjoy any romance.

One can want to pursue God’s will, because he/she believes walking in God’s will makes him/her feel right, secure, confident, courageous, or approved. One can want to volunteer at a non profit, because he/she believes volunteering makes one feel generous, valuable, or needed. One can want to travel the country because he/she believes traveling makes one feel independent, adventurous, and interesting. Unlocking the desired feeling state underneath expressed wants is incredibly useful to creating a life where that feeling is more accessible.

Interestingly, most marriage arguments are not about “money” or “values” as much as the arguments reflect a clash between how an experience, purchase, or decision will make each spouse feel. Therefore, acknowledging how feelings are driving desires and even how one shows up in conversation will give us access to greater clarity and understanding of ourselves, our parents, friends, spouses, children, etc. 

Ever heard of a celebrity who finally achieved his/her goal of making a professional sports team, starring in an award winning movie, or hitting the top in billboard hits, but still struggled with depression and a sense of emptiness once he/she achieved it? Many times this is due to the hope that getting what he/she wanted would make him/her feel a certain way. The hope that this achievement would offer feelings of respect, security, affection, or admiration motivated him/her disappoints when he/she experiences the same, if not more criticism, opposition, disrespect, false flattery, or haters once the goal was achieved.

We all experience this to a degree. We often call it buyer’s remorse, disappointment, or regret. We made a decision, pursued an experience, or even married a person hoping that would produce a powerful or even perpetual feeling. When it didn’t, we felt betrayed, hurt, and resentful.

The less powerful we perceive ourselves to be in self-generating a particular feeling within, the more we will rely on external circumstances to provide it. This all really makes sense. All humans want to feel safe, affirmed, respected, accepted, loved, and enjoyed, as well as a host of other important emotions. Not only do we want them, we need them to be whole.

Unfortunately, most humans do not know how to generate important feeling states from within their own hearts. Most humans don’t even realize they are being driven by emotional needs and wants. Especially those who claim to make decisions logically. Even if someone is looking at numbers – the way he or she interprets the numbers is based upon deep associations to feeling states. Some people say they do what is “right” without regard to how they feel. This is deceptive because feeling righteous, affirming oneself as right, or being seen as right all contribute to a strong emotional drives. Emotions are important, far more important than most people admit. 

The less aware we are of our emotions, the more our emotions can drive us without our guidance and thoughtful creativity. This is why Art of the Heart sessions serve your heart and soul to achieve clarity first.

In the next few blogs, you will hear me talk about how to discern and achieve your desired feeling states. Keep connected with Art of the Heart to understand and therefore serve your heart and soul with increasing wisdom. Mastering this skill will greatly improve your quality of life, not to mention save you enormous amounts of time and money.

The following example is a window into the decision making process regarding what a wife wants for vacation. The following paragraph is the same process filled with the emotional drives behind the decision making process.

“I want to take the family to a waterpark. My husband wants to spend less money and camp at a lake side cabin. I agree to the cabin because I want to save money and I want to give my husband what we wants. I am disappointed we are not going to the waterpark. I am trying to squeeze in one night at the water park on the way to the cabin, making the trip more expensive, complicated, and tiring. I give up trying to schedule at the water park. I doubt going to the cabin will even be worth the effort.  I try to convince my husband to stay home for the weekend instead.”

Now read with understanding the underlying emotional drives:

I want to take the family to an indoor waterpark. ( I want to feel playful; I believe I need activities and distraction to play). My husband wants to spend less money and camp at a lake side cabin. (My husband wants to feel relaxed; he believes he needs to get away from home to relax). I agree because I want to save money (I want to feel in control of my desires aka smart & safe with money; I believe I need to minimize spending on entertainment to feel smart, safe, and in control) and I want to give my husband what we wants( I want to feel generous & good; I believe I need to give up my priorities to feel good). I am trying to squeeze in one night at the water park, making the trip more expensive, complicated, and tiring. ( I want to feel valued & playful; I believe I need to get what I want and avoid boredom to feel valued and playful). I don’t plan any time at the water park. ( I want to feel undemanding; I believe I need to silence my desires to not feel like a burden) I am not sure even going to the cabin will be worth the effort.(I want to alleviate boredom not travel to experience more of it, I believe just hanging out is boring)  I try to convince my husband to stay home for the weekend instead. ( I want to feel right; I believe I need to not spend my time or money without guarantees of feeling the way I want and that feeling lasting for a few months til the next vacation)

In this example, there is no need to evaluate whether the decision was right or wrong. Is there really a right or wrong place to go on vacation? Clarifying desires, emotions, and beliefs that are fueling the decision making process can give this woman more creativity to consistently and confidently access what she wants. If she knows that her attachment to the waterpark is about a desire to be playful, then she can prioritize cultivating a sense of playfulness even in the decision making process. If she wants to feel generous toward her husband, she can find ways to assist him relax (if she knows that is the feeling he is seeking) even in the decision making process. If not being a burden to others is important to her but she wants to be playful, she can find a fun paint or dance class nearby so that she can go independently.

Unfortunately, she is not playfully enjoying the decision making process and costing herself a significant amount of time and energy. In the process she is likely stressing her husband out, which would strengthen his attachment to having to leave home to relax. She is not getting what she wants, and may not even get what she wants if she takes the family to the waterpark. Feelings of acceptance, playfulness, and self worth are evading her despite her efforts.

Our creativity is stifled when we dont get clarity. We may just keep buying more things, helping more people, eating more food, achieving more goals – and not feel any different. Art of the Heart is committed to providing tools, insights, exercises, and coaching to give you access to creating a life from your heart that nourishes your soul. I will be continuing to write about clarifying what you want in the next few weeks. Join the journey:)

Much love,