One of the most difficult things to communicate about is what we want. For a man or woman to state what he/she wants with clarity and conviction is rare and its even more rare for someone to pursue that desire with courage and commitment. Our desires make us vulnerable to ourselves, each other, and the process.
Therefore, we must have a strong value for the benefits of clearly knowing, pursing, and receiving what we want. One must also understanding of the costs of vague and token (only for show) commitments toward what one wants. An ancient proverb states that, “desires of the heart fulfilled are a tree of life” – notice it does not say “daydreaming about what you may want is a tree of life.”
The coached for clarity sessions are intended to facilitate your heartfelt authenticity. The clarity of what the heart is truly longing for will lend itself to the conviction, courage, and commitment to take action. Taking action could look like learning a new skill, saying no, cultivating more space for various experiences, vulnerably communicating a desire to others in your life, etc. Getting what we want out of life does not just make us happy short term – it increases our joy and self worth. These qualities profoundly contribute to a grounded confidence that we should not trivialize or confuse with selfishness. Again, the desires of the heart are a tree of life, a tree that benefits everyone.
Often we have not because we ask not. Often we ask not, because we choose to stay cloudy and confused on what we want. Cloudy confusion may give us a chance to protect ourselves from vulnerability, but it will not produce greater life for us or anyone around us. “To be unclear is to be unkind,” is a simple quote I heard Dave Ramsey mention. I agree. When I am unclear with myself, I am unkind to myself. I expect myself to achieve goals that are ever shifting. I require achievements that I later don’t value and claim I never wanted. I do things half hearted, get half hearted results, and am surprisingly disappointed.
I am consistently engaged in the process of clarification. Because I value it, it requires regular updating, and well, most people, myself included, must overcome internal blocks to this process. There are four common hindrances to clarity, such as:
- We don’t realize that instead of a thing, person, or experience that we want we are really longing for a feeling – how will that new purse make us feel, how will having the house clean make us feel, how will eating chocolate make us feel? We are craving to move away from certain feelings towards a different feeling(s), yet we often are doing so without realizing, admitting, or intentionally creating it.
- We have expressed our needs or desires before and they were overtly or covertly shamed, belittled, or denied in a way that we sought inauthentic ways to get our needs met. This is often done to protect ourselves from the pain of experiencing that again.
- We distance from our desires because we “just want to be happy.” We would prefer to “not have to deal with the depths of our souls and longings of the heart. Therefore attempt to bribe ourselves with “treats”, affirmation, relationships, or perks that do not identify or cultivate the true desires of the heart. We don’t value ourselves enough to dig deeper, exercise perseverance, or take creative risks – we just demand happiness from ourselves.
- We villianize the heart. We assume that wanting rest is lazy, wanting money is greedy, and wanting relationship is clingy. Therefore we must rely on externally imposed standards to fit in, be right, or prove our value.
We cannot just demand authenticity from ourselves. Instead with compassion, curiosity and care, we can alleviate the need for inauthenticity. In the next four posts, I will break down these hindrances and offer insights into effectively removing the road blocks to the clarity of what you want. It will be well worth reading, noticing, and asking yourself the tough questions.
Your desires matter – immensely. Your desires fulfilled are essential. When you gain the clarity and momentum on fulfilling your desires, trees of life are nurtured and become fruitful for you. This life also benefits your family, generations, and community.
I love helping people get clarity because we spend most, if not all, of our lives attempting to achieve, receive, or enjoy what we want. We do this either consciously or subconsciously. We do this for our deepest and most fruitful desires or our confused and frantic striving. Your desires matter because your life matters, your life matters because you matter.
Consider embracing how much you matter today and always,
