Another great way to avoid loving ourselves NOW is to live and love the potential future self. It is so common that I find people actually think they are loving themselves. They “love” who they will be when they “grow up.” It may be that they love the idea of being a better version of themselves, more successful, greater influence, once promoted, after being healed, faster, prettier, more independent, etc. Also a person can image that love will be experienced after a certain event – after graduation, once married, once a mother, once an empty nester, once retired. These are all ways to postpone love. We give ourselves the illusion that we will love ourselves unconditionally once we meet all these conditions.
Unfortunately, this future person who is successful, established, and esteemed does not currently exist and thereby cannot be loved. The image of someone who has fulfilled one’s dreams and achieves is appealing, but right NOW that person does not exist. We can only love in the NOW. Loving what is NOW comes with practice, daily practice. I find that most people fear that if they loved themselves as they are, they will lose motivation to become anything else. This is because we are often trained to make “love” the carrot on the stick (reward for achieving) and not the foundation on which we stand. It is true, our greatest craving in life is for love, but a conditional love is like a mirage, never satisfying and dissolves the closer we get. Once we “arrive” at this goal, we must find another one.
Instead of love (affection, acceptance, celebration, approval, peaceful presence) motivating us, the withholding of “love” is used to manipulate us. We do things for love not because of it. Often we are withholding love from ourselves until we perform the way we believe is best or even acceptable. Idealizing a future image of ourselves shades our present with the discontentment of unmet conditions.
When we cannot love ourselves as we are – we make empty promises about how much we will love ourselves once we have achieved a certain goal or status. A friend of mine played in the NFL and noticed how depressing the locker room was. Men were wanted, yes – but only for performance, money, or fame. Unfortunately, these players also found that they too only loved or respected themselves for these things. Therefore that emptiness was apparent once they got them.
Many couples have gotten together based upon this idealization of the future. Each person makes promises to the other about who they will be and how they will be. The challenge is to recognize and love the person as they are are, not who you think or who they promise they will be. If you fall in love with his or her potential then the marriage will have an undertone of discontentment and mutual pressure to be or do different.
What will it take for you to feel good about yourself? For many it is a profession. One places all his or her value in their “calling” or purpose. This leads to a constant striving to understand, to develop, to do our calling. “Calling” and purpose are important to experiencing a rich life but is not where we find love. People grapple with being – being is the space that opens up our clarity and our self awareness. This state is challenging for most people because in this state we give up the attachment to human doingness and allow ourselves to be a human being. Then we fear losing all identity, all motivation, all status in our world. This to me is tragic to our sense of self, our relationships, and contributions that flow from love (instead of compulsively looking for love). This striving for value and worth is so common – even in parents, preachers, and community leaders – unfortunately this affects everyone under their lead and counteracts messages of unconditional love.
Many times this is an outside in approach to love. We believe reaching an idealized state of living we will obtain the love of others and therefore fill the void. Instead of loving ourselves NOW, we will push and strive to obtain the conditional love of others.
I will be so amazing once I build my own business. I will be so loved once I become a mom. I will have such esteem once I create a non profit. The only way I can appease the sorrow that I am not currently that is be pursuing a goal or at least fantasizing about my future self.
No one thinks I will love myself in bankruptcy, I will love myself in breakup, I will love myself in business failure, I will love myself in breakdown. Yet, if love is limited to only the demonstration of our success or grandiosity – it cannot be love.
We often get future words or encouragement about who we could be or should be. In the moment we feel better – yes, I knew I am better than this. I have great things in my future. But then we are left with even further dissonance in our present. We are not currently that. Loving ourselves NOW is the best way to set ourselves up to love and empower ourselves to enjoy and engage in our moments significantly enough to show up in meaningful, contributive, and lasting ways.
Love is foundational and releases all conditions. This is the stability, the beauty, the power of love. This is why love can carry through any time, situation, or relationship. Love is not dependent upon achievement or success, therefore love gives us the courage to live from the heart taking the risks that are sincerely meaningful to us, not strive to fill needs that only love can fill.
Many times people are looking for a word, an inspired statement about their future to escape the pain of loving themselves in the present. If only I could see who I will be, then maybe I could love myself. If only I could see how everything will be better a year from now, then maybe I can endure how much I hate myself now and love myself then.
This disengages us with reality and the processes necessary to even become our best. There is value in visualizing and celebrating our future but not at the expense of loving and living our NOW.
A great practice is to sit with yourself, hand over your heart and state, “Even though I ____________________________, I am willing to consider unconditionally loving and accepting myself.” You will want to notice how real that may feel to you. To access this free exercise and others like it to get in touch with your heart now, sign up here.