Loving yourself now
Will you love yourself right now? When I say love, I mean unconditionally accept, celebrate, and respect yourself. The you, that you are, right now. You may be skimming the internet when you feel you should be doing dishes. You may be procrastinating on that email that you promised you would send. You may be 15 pounds heavier than you like. You may be stewing in jealousy after seeing a friend’s perfect Instagram post. And the question remains, will you love yourself right now?
Interestingly, I find that people tend to vacillate between loving an image of themselves from the past or an idealized concept of who they could be in the future. These two states that I will describe as nostalgic and potential-based “love” or more accurately idealization. The problem with vacillating between these two states is that we can only live and therefore love in the NOW. When we “fall in love” with the grandiosity of the past or possibilities of the future we miss the only true opportunity to love – the NOW. While adoring the past or dreaming of the future, we send a message to ourselves that our now is not enough. We seek to escape the challenge of unconditionally loving the messy now by attaching to conditions of the past and/or future.
This blog will discuss the allure of nostaligia. Then look for the next blog to discuss the illusion of potential. If you want to stay updated with recent blogs and opportunities to engage your heart and soul, sign up for biweekly email encouragement here.
Nostalgia: Idealizing one’s past
Nostalgia is a process of mediating on another time or place that is irrecoverable. The important word here is irrecoverable. The fact we cannot recreate this scenario is actually attractive. Being attainable facilitates the dissolving of one’s responsibility to love in the present. By magnifying an “irrecoverable” time and place, one often hopes to distance themselves from engaging with the present.
Also, it is not so much the event that has created the feeling but the way we have meditated and rehearsed it. We create biases about our lives through our beliefs and the way we store our memories. Biases that idealize the past, unfortunately further shade our present. These biases can easily lead to comparing, complaining, and criticizing our now, our current situations and most regretfully our current selves.
Remember when you were the life of the party in high school (pretending to be someone you were not)? Remember when you were 15 pounds lighter (but miserable and never enjoying a meal out)? Remember when you were soooo happy with that ex (who was terrible to you)? Remember when your kids where little and wanted to snuggle all the time (and you never could get an ounce of sleep)? Remember when you had energy to play all day (but could never do what you wanted)?
Remember these good old days when technology was simpler………but
(Meme from trendhunters.com)
Nostalgia is apparently not a new strategy. Even ancient wisdom advised against it. “Do not say, “Why is it that the former days were better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask about this.” Ecclesiastes 7:10
Idealizing the past seems like a logical way to appease the pain of the present but unfortunately the distraction is only temporary. The present pain comes on with greater intensity once we must leave the recollections of the past. While one was daydreaming the present has been further neglected.
I am not suggesting that you do away with times of reflection and celebration of the past. There is an important place for memories, shared memories, meaningful memories – all kinds of memories. I am asking you to challenge the idealization of the past as a way to escape the present.
We can actually use nostalgia powerfully to our benefit. When we notice a whimsical aspiration for the past, we can get deeper into the emotion that this idealization is offering us. Is it a sense of friendship, self-esteem, belonging, respect, safety, contribution, etc? When we seek out nostalgic reflections we are often craving a certain feeling in our present, but feel powerless to create it now. One may feel stuck in a current state of loneliness, depression, and/or feeling ignored, uncertain, or dishonored.
The type of nostaligic idealization that one seeks is powerfully communicating an important need in one’s current life. Emotions, behaviors, patterns, and coping mechanisms show up for reasons – good ones. If we are to make the most of these signals, we must slow down, compassionately remain curious, and discover the real purpose of this escape.
Maybe one longs for belonging – a feeling they associate with high school sports. This desire could be acknowledged, the attachment to the past released, and then one could creatively consider how to cultivate belonging in one’s life NOW- loving and meeting one’s needs NOW. Maybe one longs for a feeling of admiration – a feeling they associated with working long hours and receiving bonuses. This craving for admiration can then be acknowledged and cultivated in a way that honors and serves the individual in the NOW. One may be in a season of life (children, retirement, other obligations) that prevent the same experience but does not inhibit the possibility of loving and admiring oneself NOW.
I often craved to return to certain seasons of my life that were not as pristine as I painted them. I looked back and wanted the stability of a community that I actually left because of its lack of support. I wanted the imagined past esteem of coworkers who actually didn’t even let me do my best work. I craved the good old days of laughter with friends that actually cut people down, wounded my soul, and didn’t make me laugh anymore.
I craved the idealized past because I did not know how to create these experiences deeply and consistently from my own heart. This is what Art of the Heart offered me. I could validate the nostalgia as a signal, deepen my understanding of myself, and experience the power of my own heart to creatively cultivate experiences for me in the NOW.
Would I offer myself stability by not abandoning myself, my emotions, my desires? Would I esteem myself by recognizing the value of my humanity, cultivating work in my strengths and accepting my weaknesses? Would I offer myself a lighthearted enjoyment of myself and others that refreshed my soul?
Yes, I would. These NOW experiences require a deep love, commitment, and respect for myself as I am NOW.
What draws you to crave “better days?” Would you consider loving you NOW and loving your NOW, well NOW? Consider that your cravings for a time or place in the past might just be the very insights you need to love yourself well, today.