Have you ever wondered – what exactly does loving yourself consist of??? I used to think of it as a catch phrase to mean be nice to yourself – which really meant little to nothing to me. I had NO IDEA how powerful and life changing this practice could be. I believed God loved me, but I did not realize that I was deflecting so much of this love by not loving myself.
Self -love at times has gotten a bad reputation. This is because self love is often misunderstood or misrepresented. You may have heard people say that they don’t believe that loving yourself is useful, practical, or even possible. Many will assume that self love is about being nice or indulgent to oneself, even selfish. With these assumptions, self love does not work. Others may claim that self love is stagnant and void of any transformational changes. These statements simply indicate that this person has not experienced the practice of true self love. Self love requires diligent practice, challenging life adjustments, and has profoundly powerful effects. Below, I touch on the basic prerequisites for self love to be effective.
Acknowledge your true self
- Have a self. This may sound obvious but it is amazing how many people don’t know themselves. They blend into their families, communities, social structures and their personal preferences and identity is lost (or at least masked). Ask most anyone what he /she wants, who he/she is, or where he/she is going and you will likely see one stumble over their words and look around for approval. If lucky you may get vague answers that will lack the groundedness of a true sense of self. A secure sense of self is practiced and developed by speaking authentically with consistency. The more you value yourself the more you will take the risks to show up in your integrity. Integrity may sound noble or highly moral, yet it simply means thoroughly honest. Integrity will require us being honest about emotions, attitudes, or desires that conflict with our pride. Therefore integrity requires a greater commitment to be known in truth than to be known as “good.” This can feel risky. As a result of a poorly developed self, people are more prone to talk about others or a situation than they are to talk vulnerably about themselves. Eventhough learning to know and be yourself will take time and intention, it is essential. You cannot love yourself if you don’t have a self to love.
- Learn how to relate to yourself. This includes paying attention to inner dialogue and attitudes one may have toward him or herself. Sometimes these thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, or judgments can be more easily seen as we watch ourselves interact with others. If one becomes conscious of how he/she relates to, thinks about others, or the attitude one takes toward others, then he/she will have insight into the perspective one often takes toward oneself. Art of the Heart cultivates awareness and alignment of your relationship with yourself through a variety of methods and exercises. Even more Art of the Heart sessions are powerful opportunities to allow my experience and expertise to reflect your own heart back to you. If you would like to explore sessions with Art of the Heart, you can do that here.
Cultivate true love
- Be kind, but not nice. Most people are nice not kind. Nice implies that one will excuse, overlook, and reserve truth. Kindness and truth are to be experienced together. We must be honest when we are not patient, forgiving, or believing the best of ourselves. Many times, I expected myself to act “loved” when I wasn’t receiving love. This dissonance crowds out the opportunity for real love to be cultivated. Even if one’s truth is I don’t know, feel, or even offer myself love, loving compassion is most impactful only when it meets with truth. Truth (no matter how messy), has the potential to be met with real compassionate and respectful lovingkindness. With truth, there are no excuses, no denial, no blame shifting. Behaviors such as these indicate that someone has not experienced unconditional love. He or she most likely feels the need to deflect or mask his/her truth. Love is strong enough to support our most uncomfortable truths. We cannot flatter ourselves, or anyone else for that matter, into genuine love. When people begin to practice relating to themselves, it often is to change the self, convince the self, and sweet talk the self into compliance with one’s agenda. The heart can see right through this manipulation and therefore resists. In this instance, change can only be superficial and the heart hardens. In contrast kindness and curiosity will approach the heart with reverence for its life giving presence. Many times this process must begin with an apology for being nice but unkind to our hearts. We must acknowledge we have often asked ourselves “How am I doing?“ without really wanting to hear the answer.
- Deeply care. One must take diligent effort to notice, reconsider, and relearn love. For self love to work, one must work self love. It is often said that love is an action word, this is incredibly true with oneself. Unfortunately, avoidance is common place, especially when dealing with the heart and soul. I have seen people invest in their homes, cars, careers, marriages, friendships, body, and style with dedicated finances and attention. All of these things contribute to our life, but our life comes from within. Passion is an interest or value in something or someone that we are willing to invest consistently into the practice or experience of that thing or person. We must care enough about our hearts to be bad at it at first, persevere with the practice, and eventually love ourselves (and thereby others) well.
Embrace responsibility
- Own it. One must embrace responsibility for renavigating what love is. Often times people are waiting on love to find them, love to be expressed or given from another person. Unfortunately, with this point of view, he/she hands over his/her power to experience and enjoy love. Love is a necessary foundation to our wellbeing. Without the security of love, we strive, we conform, we stress, and we crave. Instead, when we develop the potential of our own hearts to love, nourish and strengthen us in our journey, we enjoy our wellspring. Just as a spring has a force, flow, and energy from deep underground, we can experience love arising from within us. The practice of self love also develops respect and trust for our wellspring and the One who made it. Each of us were made to steward our lives with love, wisdom, and power – loving ourselves is the first step to living out that responsibility and privilege.
- Bravely become vulnerable. One must recognize where he/she has rejected love. No one is created with a hard heart. Our hearts harden from emotional and relational pain. Every child vulnerably reaches out for love (even at 3am in the morning at times). Many times, children reached out for comfort but received criticism. Children also often reach out for connection but receive the stiff arm of a distracted parent. Some children reach out for relationship and are abandoned or abused. Each and every time a vulnerability was not met with love, a child/person has the opportunity to harden. One hardens to protect oneself from pain. It actually makes sense, especially in cases where one cannot change the situation or source of pain, like childhood. Yet, there comes a time if we want the power and wisdom of unconditional love, we must re-soften. Softening allows us to become more aware of love yet we also become more aware of the lack of it. Softening can be painful especially if love is not under girding the process. This is one of the reasons I emphasis self love as a foundation for all healing practices – for trauma, for sickness, for neglect, for relational pain. What you are willing to feel, you can more deeply heal. Yet pain is more easily felt and resolved when someone is supported in that vulnerability by sincere love.
The practice of loving myself has drastically increased my capacity to know myself, challenge myself and enjoy myself. Then I easily found myself loving, knowing, engaging, and enjoying others. Don’t miss out on the healing power of self love – for the hope of the world rests in your heart.
From my heart to yours,
The Practice of Self Love